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Apr
08
2014

Forgiveness

forgive“Forgiveness is not about pouring pink paint over our anger and pretending it does not exist.” – Beverley Pugh

I remember a special woman I worked with in Australia. She came in looking heartbroken and sad. When I asked her what help she was seeking, she said in a quiet, sad voice – “I can’t pray. I am so angry. I’ve lost my ability to relax and even my ability to pray.” I will always remember her and her journey. Her partner had an affair with her best friend of many years. Heartbreaking.  She not only lost the man she loved, she lost her best friend.

She was very angry at both of them. Her feelings of betrayal were sky high. She asked her partner to leave, and said goodbye to her best friend. She was so angry so couldn’t sleep or relax. She felt like a caged tiger.

We have all felt aspects of anger, rage, betrayal, disappointment. These emotions can eat away at us. If they stay inside of us for a long time, they and we become toxic – toxic to our physical and emotional health. Forgiveness is an essential gift that we need to practice, but first comes the anger. We all need to fully feel and express our emotions before we move into ways of experiencing forgiveness. Some of us move too quickly into trying to find forgiveness. We don’t allow ourselves to feel the completeness of our anger and sadness first. Others of us feel that we will never be able to forgive, so why bother.

Forgiveness does not mean we condone the other’s behaviour or our own behaviour. It does not mean we make excuses or absolve them or ourselves of taking responsibility for our choice.

This Australian woman, over time, wrote both of them letters of anger and then later letters of forgiveness. She did this for herself. She wanted peace within herself. Her goal was to live in the present moment rather than reliving the past over and over. Her final decision, which felt best for her, was to separate from both of them and move forward into a new life.

Compassion is a key pathway to forgiveness. How do we get to compassion? Here is one way: if, for example, the theme is betrayal of someone else, ask yourself if you have ever engaged in betrayal in some way – maybe not like they did, but some other way. Write down 3 memories. Then remember how you felt, and let your heart open to yourself. We are actually letting our heart open to the true human part of ourselves. Our heart opens to how we humans make mistakes.

There are no excuses for the choices we make. Accountability and responsibility are necessary aspects of everything that happens. Within the framework of responsibility, we allow ourselves to open our hearts to the human part of ourselves that struggles. This is where compassion lives. Forgiveness is about finding that place of compassion.

Forgiveness is a process of the heart, not the head. It is not a mental process.

Forgiveness is not about staying in an unhealthy situation. It is about cleaning out part of us that is dark and troubled.

Forgiveness is an aspect of human spirit, based on our humanness. It is the greatest gift we can give ourselves.

Tags: acceptance, Beverley Pugh, compassion, emotions, forgiveness, health, life, Mastery of Health and Happiness, self-growth
Posted in change, forgiveness | No Comments »

Apr
08
2014

My Journey to Self-Forgiveness by Gina

I love meSelf-forgiveness has been the underlying theme as I navigated through my twenties, thirties and now forties. I don’t believe self-forgiveness was in my vocabulary during my twenties. I just knew that there were things I had done that I regretted and wished I could undo; I lived so far outside of myself looking for acceptance and validation from others perhaps as an unconscious attempt to transmute what I felt were personal transgressions and I did this in unhealthy ways without knowing that was what I was doing. I entered into a long period of self-harm that extended well into my thirties; addictions, disordered eating, suicidal tendencies, and depression characterized my life and for the longest time I believed this was as good as my life would be, and that perhaps I was paying the price for all those things I regretted from the past.

Then at some point in my mid-thirties, all systems went into revolt. My health deteriorated and during my exploration of external causes I was guided more and more towards an exploration of my internal landscape where self-worth, self-love and self-forgiveness became part of my vocabulary. These were all words that resonated strongly at the intellectual level, much like the concept of nurturing my inner child did. But in order to actually embody and live self-worth, self-love and self-forgiveness, I had to commit to an emotionally intense exploration of self and subconscious beliefs through the support of practitioners from a variety of modalities (with deepest gratitude Beverley).

However, the benefits from this commitment far outweigh the difficult and challenging aspects of it. I am still on my journey, but am now in a very beautiful place where I am embodying more and more self-worth, self-acceptance, and self-love through self-forgiveness. All the unconstructive and unhealthy coping strategies from my earlier days don’t have their hooks in me like they used to; sure they may surface depending on the circumstance, but the strength of self-worth, self-love and self-forgiveness washes through them taking away their power over me.

Everything that has happened in my life was necessary for my growth. All my experiences were about wanting to be loved and accepted, and however painful the outcome may have been, they led me to finding my love for myself. My love for myself has always been there down deep, so was there anything there to forgive in the first place?

Tags: acceptance, Beverley Pugh, change, emotions, forgiveness, love, Mastery of Health and Happiness, self-growth
Posted in forgiveness, Inspirational, Love, Self Growth | 2 Comments »

Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

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About Beverley

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

Contact

Telephone:
604-925-1513
Email:
bev@beverleypugh.com
Location:
120-1451 Marine Drive
West Vancouver, BC
V7T 1B8
Canada

Disclaimer: The information presented on this site about various psychological conditions, is of a general nature and is not a substitute for an assessment by a competent therapist and/or medical professional. If you believe that you or an important person in your life is in need of an intervention please seek qualified help as soon as possible.

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