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Jun
13
2017

Approval Seeking

Bev Pugh - Self Love

“No one is more or less important than anyone else.” ~Bev Pugh

When I was young and growing I had buck teeth, a flat chest, and grew overnight to be 5’5″. All of this happened at a very early age! I felt awkward and funny looking. I am sure I looked it! I began to develop ways of coping to handle my unpleasant feelings.

We all had times growing up when we experienced unpleasant feelings. Whether it was related to our bodies, relationships, expectations, or family dynamics.

I wonder what experiences you had and what your coping techniques were? We develop ways of managing our emotions. Positive habits are learned and negative habits are also adopted. The latter we want to extinguish as we get wiser.

Looking to others for validation and confirmation that we are okay can become a repetitive coping technique for dealing with our emotions. We have all experienced the feeling of wanting other people’s approval. For some of us, it can become a way of life. This we don’t want.

When we are approval seeking we are looking for a need within us to be met, and we are going outside of ourselves to have that need met. If we continue to look to others for love and affirmation, we lose the opportunity of developing a strong friendship with ourselves.

Approval seeking can be a way of dealing with a belief that we are not good enough in some way… so we give ourselves away to other people’s approval, with the hope of feeling important or loved or good enough.

When we are approval seeking several things happen:

1. We loose our personal power and give it to the other person.
2. We get out of touch with what we really think and feel.
3. We miss so many opportunities to love ourselves unconditionally because our focus is on others rather than on ourselves.
4. We can abuse ourselves because we are not honouring what we need.
5. We loose confidence.
6. We can loose our vitality.
7. We don’t develop a real friendship with ourselves.

This gives us so many reasons to start immediately noticing in our lives when we are seeking attention or approval from others, and call ourselves on it immediately.

But how do we turn all of this around?

The most important thing to remember is that we all have the innate capacity to love. As you are reading this, feel the love and warmth in your heart for someone you really love. It’s a beautiful open-hearted warm feeling. It’s a matter of turning that warm loving feeling to yourself and allowing yourself to receive it.

Somewhere in our history we began to judge ourselves for being “less than” in some way. Remember that judgment is a mental concept. It’s not the truth. We all have beautiful intrinsic value. But our judgement of ourselves keeps us from having that unconditional friendship.

Self acceptance and self love are the antidotes for approval seeking.

There are many ways to build our relationship with ourselves. The one I often relate to is feeling the love I have for family and nature, and then turning that beautiful love inwards to myself and allowing myself to receive it without blocking it with thought. Keep repeating this and let yourself soak it in.

I would really chase this theme of approval seeking. It keeps us “little” when the truth is we are really “big” and we need to let ourselves expand, rather than stay contracted in patterns that don’t serve us.

Enjoy developing a true friendship with yourself!!!

Tags: approval, Bev Pugh, coping, emotions, feeling, focus, friendship, good enough, habit, judgement, love, power, seeking, validation
Posted in awareness, holding power, Love, managing emotions, Relationships, Self Growth | 6 Comments »

Dec
04
2015

An Act of Integrity

self awareness“Remember you are always practicing something….know what you are practicing!” – Bev Pugh

Throughout my life, I have learned so much about giving and receiving. It sounds so simple, but it has layers and layers of meaning. And to these layers there are very powerful ways of moving towards the person we truly want to be.

I used to think giving and receiving was a beautiful exchange. I still see it that way. However now, I am keenly aware of the nuances we attach to it.

Are we giving to receive? Are we giving so that the other person will like us? Are we looking for approval? Hoping to be noticed? What is our true agenda in giving? If we have an outcome attached to giving, then we are not really giving. We are manipulating. We are giving from our heads and not from our hearts. We actually lose our power this way. It is a way of trying to get power, but it’s not authentic power. It is a manipulation to try to make something happen.

My feeling is that when we give to get, we are feeling that we are not enough and we live life from that place. Giving can then become a tool to try and be enough.

I know there are numerous times when we all give just from the heart with no agenda, but to honour and acknowledge the other person. It is an important consciousness to have when we are giving. Ask yourself: what is your true intention? If there is an agenda other than honouring the other, then you have a great opportunity for some self-inquiry and some inside work.

Then there is receiving. How do you feel when you receive? Do you receive with total presence and gratitude? Do you feel honoured? Do you let yourself connect to how special you are and breathe in that truth? There can be times when we receive without really taking a deep breath and feeling how good it feels to be noticed and cared for. And then of course, there is the question. Do you notice and care for yourself by really feeling what it’s like to receive?

This holiday season, giving and receiving gives us a beautiful opportunity to be more present with ourselves and others. The spirit of the beautiful balance of giving and receiving is one of gratitude. In Buddhism they call it “Moderation”. In karmic language they speak of “what we give, we receive back”. For me it is a beautiful reminder of love, gratitude and being Present. It is an opportunity to do a check-in to what our intentions or motives are; to allow for some readjustment if needed. This is how we grow.

I hope you enjoy a non-consumer Christmas. We can give through kindness, a bowl of homemade soup, a wink, or by noticing someone. I was given a dollar recently by a stranger because I was at war with a meter. Someone took the time to stop and notice and care. I am looking for an opportunity to pass that spirit on to someone else.

There are so many ways to give. The integrity of giving and receiving brings a beautiful sense of well-being.

Happy Holidays to you all!

Tags: approval, awareness, balance, being present, Bev Pugh, feeling, giving, gratitude, grow, intentions, motives
Posted in awareness, Feeling Gratitude, Gratitude, Happiness, Inspirational, Love, Self Growth | 2 Comments »

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Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

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Mastery Practice Tool

Breath Exercise

This is both a calming and a cleansing breath. You can use this in times of distress. Find a quiet moment and give yourself two minutes of de-stressing. Gently close your eyes and focus on your belly. Breathe into your belly and allow your belly to expand. Invite air to float up into your ribs and feel your ribs expand and open up. Then bring the air into your higher chest. Hold for a count of four. Then begin to exhale and feel your chest releasing, your ribs releasing, and gently bring your belly in. Just as you are almost complete in your exhalation, open your mouth and exhale through your mouth any leftover stagnant energy. Hold for a count of four. Continue to do this for 7 cycles. You will be amazed at how much fresher you feel.

Testimonial

Our ability, as parents, to support our children to thrive in stressful situations is becoming more and more important. Children need very specific tools in their self regulation 'tool kits' that they can draw upon to support their success, and trusted adults to coach them in their use. But what are these tools and how to we teach them effectively to our kids?

Thankfully, there is Beverley Pugh! Bev takes a curious and calm approach to supporting children and parents with this journey. She is passionately invested in teaching parents and children ways to reduce anxiety and approach life positively and confidently. Bev is a master of her craft - she draws on years of her own experience as a parent and counsellor to work effectively and respectfully with children and their parents. I have thoroughly enjoyed Bev's recent workshops for parents and children and recommend them to anyone willing to explore specific strategies to help their children thrive at home, at school and in their community.

Lani M. - Parent and Elementary School Principal

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About Beverley

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

Contact

Telephone:
604-925-1513
Email:
bev@beverleypugh.com
Location:
120-1451 Marine Drive
West Vancouver, BC
V7T 1B8
Canada

Disclaimer: The information presented on this site about various psychological conditions, is of a general nature and is not a substitute for an assessment by a competent therapist and/or medical professional. If you believe that you or an important person in your life is in need of an intervention please seek qualified help as soon as possible.

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