2013 was a year of many changes for me. Like a lot of people, I used to fear change – the fear of the unknown can be utterly paralyzing – but for me, it’s the fear that things will remain the same that inspires me to embrace change.
I haven’t always been fearless. I stayed a long time in an unhappy marriage, repressed and depressed. I spent several years denying an addiction that was slowly killing me. I was living life off of the side of my plate, grasping at scraps instead of enjoying the full meal. Enveloped in shame but projecting an image of perfection. It was exhausting, pretending to be someone that I wasn’t. So I looked deep within myself to find out what it was that I was hiding and determined that it was my addiction. It was holding me back from moving forward with my life, making me depressed and causing me so much shame.
Shame can be a dank swampland or a searing hot poker, piercing your soul. Shame becomes like a drug – addictive, temporarily uplifting and readily accessible if you know where to look. Unlike embarrassment or guilt, shame is autonomous and comes from within the self. Shame is being unable to meet your own eyes in the mirror. When you know you have done something that society disapproves of or have broken your own moral code. A person who feels guilt is saying “I did something bad.”, while someone who feels shame is saying “I am bad”. There is a big difference between the two.
On the other side of the spectrum, there is vulnerability. And courage. And authenticity. There is empathy, acceptance and forgiveness. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and rather than making me weak, it has made me stronger. By admitting to myself and to the people that love me that I was addicted to alcohol I found the support that gets me through dark days and temptation. For the first time in a long time, I like who I am: this sober, alive, authentic self. More than like her, I actually love her.
I ended 2013 with a clear mind and an open heart. With the attitude that every day is an opportunity for wonder and joy. I don’t worry about change. When things don’t go as expected or times are challenging, I acknowledge it, make peace with it & put it behind me. Because I can’t wait to see what comes next.
