Christmas | Mastery of Health and Happiness

Dec
02
2013

Christmas and Grief

“Finding some buoyancy in the darkness.” ~ Beverley Pugh

Christmas can be a tough time for those of us who have experienced the passing of a loved one. I received an email from a man whose wife passed this fall. They have three children under the age of 15. He is reaching out for help as he is dreading the Christmas season. I know so many of us have experienced the loss of a loved one, and Christmas stirs up a great deal of sadness.

When a loved one passes, it rocks our whole foundation. Everything, as we know it, is different. There can be such a weight of heaviness.

My dad passed away in November many years ago just before Christmas. I remember the pain – layers and layers of pain and sadness. It was really hard – I wondered if I would make it through December. I felt that the combination of loss and Christmas would completely bowl me over – so many emotions.

Where do we start and how do we navigate through Christmas when our hearts are aching? For all of us we have to start at the beginning – what is real for us and the truth of how we feel. You may feel devastated, overwhelmed, angry, numbed out, or incredibly sad. You may be open with your grief, or hiding with your grief. You may be wondering how much of your open grief your friends can handle. Could you end up overwhelming them and spoiling their Christmas?

And then there are those of us who do everything we can to avoid our feelings. We heavily distract ourselves with the attempt at not feeling our pain. To move forward with grief, it’s really important to stay in integrity with how we really, truly feel. Don’t try and be different; be honest with yourself so that you can plan how to look after yourself from a very truthful, vulnerable place. There is tremendous strength in being with what is real for us.

Grief often comes in waves. We are in the midst of being in and out of it. I encourage you to ask yourself two questions that have been an anchor for me over the years.

How do I feel?
What do I need?

Throughout the years, asking and listening, and then taking action have allowed me to go through the tough times with authenticity. This is how healing happens.

As you invite yourself to befriend these two questions, there may be times when you need quiet space, and other times when you need the outside world. There is a time for expression of all aspects of grief – a time for despair, a time for hope, a time for reflection, a time for spirit, a time for a Kleenex box, a time for an airplane ticket, a time for a photo album, and a time for distraction. I encourage you to tell your friends what you need. This can be of great help for you and for them.

There is no right or wrong way to cope with Christmas. Distraction can be a helpful coping technique. One thing I encourage you to do is to have a plan. Don’t go into Christmas without a “something” that you are going to gift yourself. For some people it is going to the sun, where they can feel lighter.

When my dad died, we decided to completely change our experience of Christmas. My mom and brother took a cruise (first time ever) with friends, and I stayed with some university pals and skied and played cards. It worked for us. The next Christmas was easier, and then the next was easier again. Choosing to do something different helped us.

Remember that the part of you that is hurting is a beautiful part of you that can feel so deeply and sincerely. You don’t want to make that part of you bad…it’s your beautiful heart that serves you well.

This is a beautiful community. I have been deeply moved by the support and care we all have for one another.

I’m taking a deep breath, knowing that life has its joys and sorrows. The terrain of life is challenging.

Thank you to the gentleman who reached out and allowed all of us to bring full sentiment to the holiday season.

All the best from 2013,

Bev

Tags: Bev Pugh, Christmas, coping, death, distraction, emotions, feelings, healing, hope, joy, pain, sadness
Posted in Learning to Adapt | 2 Comments »

Dec
02
2013

Memories by Joy

There was no celebrating Christmas as usual last year, for we’d lost our beloved son Adam the previous January, and the memories were wrenching. Our older son announced that instead of coming home, he would spend Christmas with his girlfriend’s family, which we understood and felt would be better for him. But that left us. So we resolutely turned our backs and visited very dear friends far away who knew our sons well. At the time, I thought of us as escaping from a dwelling of despair, but now I think we were actually escaping to a haven of caring and acceptance – friends whom we enjoyed spending time with, who could reminisce about Adam at Christmases past, and who weren’t bothered if we teared up when we did.

More important for us than Christmas last year was the New Year. For many years, we’ve gathered with another family to celebrate with dinner on New Year’s Day. Sometimes we invited others to join; sometimes it was just our two families. We never missed. And Adam always helped me prepare the meal, from the time he was little to the last, spending New Year’s Eve in the kitchen before heading off to a party with his girlfriend. He died 2 weeks later. I wasn’t sure our friends would want to continue the tradition, and they weren’t sure we would. Neither wanted to put the other under any pressure, and so neither of us spoke of it, until finally, after a reunion party for our son’s friends, we sat down to talk. The decision came together. We knew we couldn’t let it go.

With our older son away, it was just me in the kitchen, and solitary memories can cripple. We keep a photo of our son in the kitchen, and I lit a candle for him. I then took a deep breath, pulled out his iPod for the first time, connected it to speakers, and turned up his music full blast, hoping the neighbors were away. And I sang along. Not well, but he didn’t sing well either, which never stopped him, so I figured it shouldn’t stop me. I’d known the iPod was there all along, but I’d been unable to touch it. It seemed that this was the right time.

When our friends arrived, we set Adam’s photo at his place at the table, where he’d sat the year before. Before the New Year’s toast, we each lit a votive and set it around his photo. We did the meal as we always had, sometimes reminiscing, but mostly not. And at the end, we took our candles and snuffed them out, carrying him on in our thoughts that night.

On the morning of Adam’s last New Year’s Eve, our always reliable disposal malfunctioned for the first time. Adam got the tools and fixed it. Last New Year, after our friends left and my husband cleaned up the kitchen, he came in grinning to say that Adam had just paid us a visit. The disposal went out. I laughed, then turned out the lights and cried.

The best gift that you can give a friend facing the holidays after losing a loved one is compassion and understanding. I’ve been so grateful to, and for, Bev, who has helped to pull me through this season of darkness. Please do not remain silent. Sharing memories you have of their loved one is a priceless gift. People often are afraid to say anything for fear of “making someone cry” or making them “feel bad” or embarrassing them. Believe me, we feel bad with or without you, and we cry unassisted. It is not embarrassing. Indeed, there is a kind of sweetness in our sadness tears, for they seem to bring our beloved closer. As Bev so well understands.

Tags: acceptance, caring, Christmas, compassion, death, despair, grief, haven, holiday, New Years, reminiscing, tears, understanding
Posted in Learning to Adapt | No Comments »

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Using Pictures Rather Than Words

It is true that a picture in our mind is very powerful. It is more powerful than a paragraph of self-talk. Both the subconscious and the conscious mind respond to a picture, especially if it is encoded with emotions. If you want to increase the part of you that has a desire to live differently, then I encourage you to find images that you can hold in your mind or imagination as a way of reprogramming.

For me, there is power associated with this picture: I see a stick shift gear in my mind (encoded with love for my Dad). It tells me to navigate with alertness and self care both for myself, and those around me. A picture really does say a thousand words.

Reflect on your experiences in life. Find a memory that holds the power of alertness and self-accountability; one of successfully navigating or being engaged in self-care. Allow that picture to be embedded in your mind by imagining it, and feeling the emotion that goes with it. For me it is power and self-accountability. When you feel the feeling that goes with the picture, you embed it in your subconscious and conscious mind. Now you are reprogramming!

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Christmas and Grief

Memories by Joy

Beverley Pugh

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