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Jun
13
2017

Approval Seeking

Bev Pugh - Self Love

“No one is more or less important than anyone else.” ~Bev Pugh

When I was young and growing I had buck teeth, a flat chest, and grew overnight to be 5’5″. All of this happened at a very early age! I felt awkward and funny looking. I am sure I looked it! I began to develop ways of coping to handle my unpleasant feelings.

We all had times growing up when we experienced unpleasant feelings. Whether it was related to our bodies, relationships, expectations, or family dynamics.

I wonder what experiences you had and what your coping techniques were? We develop ways of managing our emotions. Positive habits are learned and negative habits are also adopted. The latter we want to extinguish as we get wiser.

Looking to others for validation and confirmation that we are okay can become a repetitive coping technique for dealing with our emotions. We have all experienced the feeling of wanting other people’s approval. For some of us, it can become a way of life. This we don’t want.

When we are approval seeking we are looking for a need within us to be met, and we are going outside of ourselves to have that need met. If we continue to look to others for love and affirmation, we lose the opportunity of developing a strong friendship with ourselves.

Approval seeking can be a way of dealing with a belief that we are not good enough in some way… so we give ourselves away to other people’s approval, with the hope of feeling important or loved or good enough.

When we are approval seeking several things happen:

1. We loose our personal power and give it to the other person.
2. We get out of touch with what we really think and feel.
3. We miss so many opportunities to love ourselves unconditionally because our focus is on others rather than on ourselves.
4. We can abuse ourselves because we are not honouring what we need.
5. We loose confidence.
6. We can loose our vitality.
7. We don’t develop a real friendship with ourselves.

This gives us so many reasons to start immediately noticing in our lives when we are seeking attention or approval from others, and call ourselves on it immediately.

But how do we turn all of this around?

The most important thing to remember is that we all have the innate capacity to love. As you are reading this, feel the love and warmth in your heart for someone you really love. It’s a beautiful open-hearted warm feeling. It’s a matter of turning that warm loving feeling to yourself and allowing yourself to receive it.

Somewhere in our history we began to judge ourselves for being “less than” in some way. Remember that judgment is a mental concept. It’s not the truth. We all have beautiful intrinsic value. But our judgement of ourselves keeps us from having that unconditional friendship.

Self acceptance and self love are the antidotes for approval seeking.

There are many ways to build our relationship with ourselves. The one I often relate to is feeling the love I have for family and nature, and then turning that beautiful love inwards to myself and allowing myself to receive it without blocking it with thought. Keep repeating this and let yourself soak it in.

I would really chase this theme of approval seeking. It keeps us “little” when the truth is we are really “big” and we need to let ourselves expand, rather than stay contracted in patterns that don’t serve us.

Enjoy developing a true friendship with yourself!!!

Tags: approval, Bev Pugh, coping, emotions, feeling, focus, friendship, good enough, habit, judgement, love, power, seeking, validation
Posted in awareness, holding power, Love, managing emotions, Relationships, Self Growth | 6 Comments »

Dec
02
2013

Christmas and Grief

snowflake“Finding some buoyancy in the darkness.” ~ Beverley Pugh

Christmas can be a tough time for those of us who have experienced the passing of a loved one. I received an email from a man whose wife passed this fall. They have three children under the age of 15. He is reaching out for help as he is dreading the Christmas season. I know so many of us have experienced the loss of a loved one, and Christmas stirs up a great deal of sadness.

When a loved one passes, it rocks our whole foundation. Everything, as we know it, is different. There can be such a weight of heaviness.

My dad passed away in November many years ago just before Christmas. I remember the pain – layers and layers of pain and sadness. It was really hard – I wondered if I would make it through December. I felt that the combination of loss and Christmas would completely bowl me over – so many emotions.

Where do we start and how do we navigate through Christmas when our hearts are aching? For all of us we have to start at the beginning – what is real for us and the truth of how we feel. You may feel devastated, overwhelmed, angry, numbed out, or incredibly sad. You may be open with your grief, or hiding with your grief. You may be wondering how much of your open grief your friends can handle. Could you end up overwhelming them and spoiling their Christmas?

And then there are those of us who do everything we can to avoid our feelings. We heavily distract ourselves with the attempt at not feeling our pain. To move forward with grief, it’s really important to stay in integrity with how we really, truly feel. Don’t try and be different; be honest with yourself so that you can plan how to look after yourself from a very truthful, vulnerable place. There is tremendous strength in being with what is real for us.

Grief often comes in waves. We are in the midst of being in and out of it. I encourage you to ask yourself two questions that have been an anchor for me over the years.

  • How do I feel?
  • What do I need?

Throughout the years, asking and listening, and then taking action have allowed me to go through the tough times with authenticity. This is how healing happens.

As you invite yourself to befriend these two questions, there may be times when you need quiet space, and other times when you need the outside world. There is a time for expression of all aspects of grief – a time for despair, a time for hope, a time for reflection, a time for spirit, a time for a Kleenex box, a time for an airplane ticket, a time for a photo album, and a time for distraction. I encourage you to tell your friends what you need. This can be of great help for you and for them.

There is no right or wrong way to cope with Christmas. Distraction can be a helpful coping technique. One thing I encourage you to do is to have a plan. Don’t go into Christmas without a “something” that you are going to gift yourself. For some people it is going to the sun, where they can feel lighter.

When my dad died, we decided to completely change our experience of Christmas. My mom and brother took a cruise (first time ever) with friends, and I stayed with some university pals and skied and played cards. It worked for us. The next Christmas was easier, and then the next was easier again. Choosing to do something different helped us.

Remember that the part of you that is hurting is a beautiful part of you that can feel so deeply and sincerely. You don’t want to make that part of you bad…it’s your beautiful heart that serves you well.

This is a beautiful community. I have been deeply moved by the support and care we all have for one another.

I’m taking a deep breath, knowing that life has its joys and sorrows. The terrain of life is challenging.

Thank you to the gentleman who reached out and allowed all of us to bring full sentiment to the holiday season.

All the best from 2013,

Bev

Tags: Bev Pugh, Christmas, coping, death, distraction, emotions, feelings, healing, hope, joy, pain, sadness
Posted in Learning to Adapt | 2 Comments »

Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

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Mastery Practice Tool

Gold Thread Exercise

The more open our hearts, the more expanded we are and that fosters greater health, vitality and happiness. There are so many aspects to every moment, and so many aspects to ourselves. We have been given the gift of focus and choice. These two gifts deeply affect our perceptions and experiences in each moment. Invite yourself today to look for the gold thread in each moment...something that you appreciate and are moved by seeing, or hearing, or feeling it. Let the part of you that notices lead you on this exercise. This is one of most important gifts we can give ourselves. It is a beautiful Christmas gift for us and those around us. Enjoy!

Testimonial

Our ability, as parents, to support our children to thrive in stressful situations is becoming more and more important. Children need very specific tools in their self regulation 'tool kits' that they can draw upon to support their success, and trusted adults to coach them in their use. But what are these tools and how to we teach them effectively to our kids?

Thankfully, there is Beverley Pugh! Bev takes a curious and calm approach to supporting children and parents with this journey. She is passionately invested in teaching parents and children ways to reduce anxiety and approach life positively and confidently. Bev is a master of her craft - she draws on years of her own experience as a parent and counsellor to work effectively and respectfully with children and their parents. I have thoroughly enjoyed Bev's recent workshops for parents and children and recommend them to anyone willing to explore specific strategies to help their children thrive at home, at school and in their community.

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About Beverley

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

Contact

Telephone:
604-925-1513
Email:
bev@beverleypugh.com
Location:
120-1451 Marine Drive
West Vancouver, BC
V7T 1B8
Canada

Disclaimer: The information presented on this site about various psychological conditions, is of a general nature and is not a substitute for an assessment by a competent therapist and/or medical professional. If you believe that you or an important person in your life is in need of an intervention please seek qualified help as soon as possible.

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