Part 1 – Listening to Understand: Curiosity
“Curiosity opens our minds and our hearts. Judgement closes the mind and the heart.” ~ Beverley Pugh
I am passionate about relationship counselling. I’d like to share with you what I have seen that is helpful for people who want to bring more connection and harmony into their relationships. Let’s begin by looking at how we talk to one another. In all the relationship counselling I have done over the years, I see one pattern that is very common. Many people have a tendency to make the other person wrong. I often hear that if the other person were different, everything would be ok. The general feeling is one of blame and judgement.
If you have a relationship that is important to you and you want to strengthen it, find a way of talking to that person that honours yourself, honours them, and honours the relationship. I have never seen relationships or people grow when blame and judgement are the way of communicating. There may be a temporary change or a reactive change, but not true growth. If you want consistent, healthy dynamics in your relationship, it is important to look at how you communicate with the other person.
The first tool I will share with you is curiosity. A beautiful aspect of curiosity is that it will help you sidestep blame, judgement, and finger pointing. Begin to get curious about what the other person is thinking and feeling behind their behaviour or words.
Probably one of my greatest strengths as a counsellor is that I am truly curious about why people say and do certain things. People do things for a reason, and I am curious to find out what those reasons are. I hold the stance of curiosity in a respectful way. There is no dissention. Most people I see mean well, even if they have dropped the ball repeatedly. People like to be understood from a place of respect and curiosity, rather than judgement. My guess is you would as well.
The power of curiosity is in using it to listen to understand, rather than to judge and prove that we are right. If you can listen to understand, you set the stage for respect and connection. You can still disagree with the other person, it’s just how we do it that changes.
How often do you listen to understand? Curiosity is one tool you can foster to promote an open mind in the other person. A curious mind is an open mind. If you move into judgement, your mind will close to you, and the connection is broken.
When you listen to understand with curiosity, people feel safe enough to truly share where they are at. This is a pivotal point in relationship building.
Play with curiosity over the next month. Find out where it takes you.
Enjoy September and the newness of another season. You can be part of that newness.
