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Jul
08
2014

Those Darn Bricks by Mary Anne Lloyd

familyAt some point, we fly from the nest built by our parents and go off with some very definite ideas about what we will and will not do in our lives and families. I’ve found that in my own life, raising my four boys, there were some experiences I avoided at all costs and some experiences that became everyday moments in our lives.

Through the wonderful people who have shared their time with me, there have been many a discussion starting with, “I am so afraid of being like my mother….but I found myself doing exactly what she would do the other day.” Another statement might be, “I never want kids because I might treat them like my father (or mother) treated me. I can’t take that chance.”

I often think that leaving our families to start our own lives is like building new pyramids. We can just slide the same pyramid to its new spot and continue the patterns our parents gave us. Sometimes this can be healthy and sometimes not. But when we truly leave to build our own patterns, we build our own pyramids.

And the adventure begins! As we start construction, we often find the building materials in the bricks of the pyramid we just vacated.

There are many different bricks that we take with us, but there are some that stand out more than others. First, we take bricks that have “Never” written on them. These are the behaviors we are determined to avoid in our families – behaviors our kids will never experience. These are the bricks that represent behaviours that usually brought us some form of anxiety as we grew up.

Secondly, we take bricks that have “Always” written on them. These are the behaviors and customs that we want our children to absorb and love. These bricks represent the loving and nostalgic parts of our growing up. These are beautiful bricks.

And then there are those sneaky little bricks we bring, that have writing on them we cannot read. These are the bricks we pick up sort of absent mindedly as we are looking for material. They influence our behavior, but we are not exactly aware that they are there. These bricks pop up in the most unexpected places.

For instance, we may be so determined to be the opposite of our parents that we create other situations that are bothersome for our kids. If we want to have a clean rather than messy house, we may become obsessive about making beds or vacuuming every day. The dishwasher may have to be loaded and unloaded on a strict schedule. Room inspections may be mandatory. Guess which “never” brick our kids will take to their pyramids?

The sneaky bricks may also represent emotions or beliefs that we unknowingly bring along with us. These may come in the form of anxiety, anger, insecurity, or shame. Beliefs may include the need to be a peacemaker, the need to be vigilant for rejection, the thinking that our way of being successful is the only way, or that worth is determined by wealth, or beauty, or the clothes we wear. We may have learned that humour covers a multitude of sins or can ease the tension in most situations. There may be some bricks that carry familiar behaviour that we easily fall into, like the acts we are so determined “never” to do.

So when we explore our own pyramids, and become very curious about what bricks we have used in the construction, there begins another adventure of pyramid remodelling. We can keep the same bricks but move them around, throw bricks away, find new bricks, paint bricks, change the writing on them, make our pyramid larger or smaller, whatever we like – but first we need to discover what bricks are there and their purpose. Then we get creative!

Tags: awareness, change, choice, Mary Anne Lloyd, minds, parenting, self-growth
Posted in awareness, change, Choice | No Comments »

Sep
13
2012

If You Are Not In Your Mind, Where Are You?

It is important to be able to go into our hearts because fear doesn’t live there. Fear lives in our minds. To go into your heart, close your eyes and imagine someone or something that brings a big smile to your heart. I’m imagining  my 2 puppies and the way they cock their heads when they look at me. My heart just opens. Now feel the flow of love. Let the love flow to who you are appreciating. Then let it come back to you. Receive it. This is where our power lies.

Tags: appreciate, fear, heart space, love, minds
Posted in Heart Space | No Comments »

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Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

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Mastery Practice Tool

New Years Wisdom Exercise

Are you doing what you really ‘know’? For many of us we know, but we are not practicing what we know. Repetition of what we know is key. It is repetition that keeps our momentum going. So which habits do you want to strengthen? And which habits do you want to erase? Change is about developing new repetitive ways of choosing and acting that support you... this leads to consistency.

Take some time to be clear with yourself as to what are the repetitive thoughts, perspectives, and actions you would like to keep practicing that will take you to a more elevated place of living your life. The key to change is clarity of what we want, and then practice and repetition. Remember the word "response...ability". Spelling it this way brings us to a place of owning our own stuff. From this place we can all move forward.

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Our ability, as parents, to support our children to thrive in stressful situations is becoming more and more important. Children need very specific tools in their self regulation 'tool kits' that they can draw upon to support their success, and trusted adults to coach them in their use. But what are these tools and how to we teach them effectively to our kids?

Thankfully, there is Beverley Pugh! Bev takes a curious and calm approach to supporting children and parents with this journey. She is passionately invested in teaching parents and children ways to reduce anxiety and approach life positively and confidently. Bev is a master of her craft - she draws on years of her own experience as a parent and counsellor to work effectively and respectfully with children and their parents. I have thoroughly enjoyed Bev's recent workshops for parents and children and recommend them to anyone willing to explore specific strategies to help their children thrive at home, at school and in their community.

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About Beverley

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

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