by Henry Boudin
It was a rainy afternoon at my office. I signed for a small package that was delivered by a postman. Inside the package was a book, another small packet, and a letter. The book looked vaguely familiar. The note was written by someone I had seen in therapy 20 years ago. At that time, she was a young girl – depressed. She had expressed an interest in becoming a therapist, and the book, “Letters to Simon” by I.H. Paul, which I had lent her so many years ago, was written by a therapist. The author had the book written as a series of letters to his nephew who was studying to become a psychotherapist. It was my niece, a therapist, who had originally sent it to me.
In the letter, my former client thanked me for letting her have the book so many years ago, said she had made good use of it, and sent me her telephone number, giving me permission to call her. The other package was a self-help book that she sent to me as a gift to thank me for helping her.
I took her up on her offer to call. We had a pleasant conversation, and I found out that she had become a mother and grandmother and was working with under-privileged children in Washington, DC. I asked her if she had enjoyed reading the book and was surprised to discover that she had never actually read it. When I asked her how it had helped her, she said that whenever she felt depressed or scared, she would simply hold the book and would become calm and in control and feel better. Holding that book in her hands had become an effective therapeutic tool for her to use and, and when she no longer needed it, she sent it back to me 20 years later!
The book had become the object she held onto when she felt unsteady or anxious.
There was another part of this occurrence which pleased me immensely, but is more difficult to explain. That same rainy afternoon, about 2 hours later, I noticed someone else in our waiting room, and realized that she had come at the right time, but the wrong day. We spoke about this for a few moments, and she said she had brought something for me. I opened her package and inside found a “talking book” – the very same book I had received two hours earlier.
I cannot explain the connection between these two events, but I felt wonderful. To be rewarded this way made me feel an immense sense of gratitude to those who had shared their most personal selves with me and who had made such changes in their lives.
I have never read the book. Interestingly, it has become an object of comfort to me, and it reminds me of the gratitude I experience working with people. I keep it close so it is available whenever I need it.
From Inside the Pages…
Fall is upon us. The colours of the leaves are changing from hues of green to hues of reds and yellows of the Maple trees. Salal is increasingly denser every day. The temperatures are more conservatively dropping; the fog and mist has also become denser and more a part of our lives. It reminds us that we live in a world that is constantly changing. We are likewise constantly adapting to the changes in the world around us, some expected, some not. Some from the world outside and some from within ourselves.
We and the world around us are constantly in a process of change. Abrupt, unexpected, or unwanted change has stressful effects, and sometimes we have difficulty in adapting to the consequences. In extreme situations, we experience stress which can seem insurmountable leading to problems such as PTSD which in turn can cause great turmoil in families, affect someone’s ability to work, to love, trust, and be happy. Sometimes the stress rises from acts done to us or directed at us which seem beyond understanding, and may seem mean, or even abusive. Sometimes we have difficulty forgiving ourselves for something we have done.
This summer, before the leaves turned, on my way to a family vacation, I bought a book at the airport before boarding my flight. The title of the book is “Hitchhiking with Larry David”. The subject matter of the book describes the author’s discoveries of self and relationships while wandering about on Martha’s Vinyard. On page 114, he shared with his readers a small adage that became of increasing interest to me. It is a simple sentence written by Mark Twain….
Forgiveness is the fragrance of the violet shed upon the heel that crushed it.
This statement underscores the relationship between acts of abuse imposed upon us by ourselves or others and the healing effect of the need to forgive ourselves or others for these acts of abuse. It frees us to move on with our lives and face the challenges that life inevitably brings to us. It liberates us from the chaos of the past and helps us deal with the present and future. It allows us to detach from pain. It allows us to feel alive and make life worth living. It helps us look forward to the rest of our lives and all the changes to come without destructive guilt or anger, which not only interfere with the enjoyment of wonderful change, but also keep us from dealing successfully with the more difficult times.
Have a wonderful Autumn.
