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Nov
12
2014

Therapy by the Book?

booksby Henry Boudin

It was a rainy afternoon at my office. I signed for a small package that was delivered by a postman. Inside the package was a book, another small packet, and a letter. The book looked vaguely familiar. The note was written by someone I had seen in therapy 20 years ago. At that time, she was a young girl – depressed. She had expressed an interest in becoming a therapist, and the book, “Letters to Simon” by I.H. Paul, which I had lent her so many years ago, was written by a therapist. The author had the book written as a series of letters to his nephew who was studying to become a psychotherapist. It was my niece, a therapist, who had originally sent it to me.

In the letter, my former client thanked me for letting her have the book so many years ago, said she had made good use of it, and sent me her telephone number, giving me permission to call her. The other package was a self-help book that she sent to me as a gift to thank me for helping her.

I took her up on her offer to call. We had a pleasant conversation, and I found out that she had become a mother and grandmother and was working with under-privileged children in Washington, DC. I asked her if she had enjoyed reading the book and was surprised to discover that she had never actually read it. When I asked her how it had helped her, she said that whenever she felt depressed or scared, she would simply hold the book and would become calm and in control and feel better. Holding that book in her hands had become an effective therapeutic tool for her to use and, and when she no longer needed it, she sent it back to me 20 years later!

The book had become the object she held onto when she felt unsteady or anxious.

There was another part of this occurrence which pleased me immensely, but is more difficult to explain. That same rainy afternoon, about 2 hours later, I noticed someone else in our waiting room, and realized that she had come at the right time, but the wrong day. We spoke about this for a few moments, and she said she had brought something for me. I opened her package and inside found a “talking book” – the very same book I had received two hours earlier.

I cannot explain the connection between these two events, but I felt wonderful. To be rewarded this way made me feel an immense sense of gratitude to those who had shared their most personal selves with me and who had made such changes in their lives.

I have never read the book. Interestingly, it has become an object of comfort to me, and it reminds me of the gratitude I experience working with people. I keep it close so it is available whenever I need it.

From Inside the Pages…

Fall is upon us. The colours of the leaves are changing from hues of green to hues of reds and yellows of the Maple trees. Salal is increasingly denser every day. The temperatures are more conservatively dropping; the fog and mist has also become denser and more a part of our lives. It reminds us that we live in a world that is constantly changing. We are likewise constantly adapting to the changes in the world around us, some expected, some not. Some from the world outside and some from within ourselves.

We and the world around us are constantly in a process of change. Abrupt, unexpected, or unwanted change has stressful effects, and sometimes we have difficulty in adapting to the consequences. In extreme situations, we experience stress which can seem insurmountable leading to problems such as PTSD which in turn can cause great turmoil in families, affect someone’s ability to work, to love, trust, and be happy. Sometimes the stress rises from acts done to us or directed at us which seem beyond understanding, and may seem mean, or even abusive. Sometimes we have difficulty forgiving ourselves for something we have done.

This summer, before the leaves turned, on my way to a family vacation, I bought a book at the airport before boarding my flight. The title of the book is “Hitchhiking with Larry David”. The subject matter of the book describes the author’s discoveries of self and relationships while wandering about on Martha’s Vinyard. On page 114, he shared with his readers a small adage that became of increasing interest to me. It is a simple sentence written by Mark Twain….

Forgiveness is the fragrance of the violet shed upon the heel that crushed it.

This statement underscores the relationship between acts of abuse imposed upon us by ourselves or others and the healing effect of the need to forgive ourselves or others for these acts of abuse. It frees us to move on with our lives and face the challenges that life inevitably brings to us. It liberates us from the chaos of the past and helps us deal with the present and future. It allows us to detach from pain. It allows us to feel alive and make life worth living. It helps us look forward to the rest of our lives and all the changes to come without destructive guilt or anger, which not only interfere with the enjoyment of wonderful change, but also keep us from dealing successfully with the more difficult times.

Have a wonderful Autumn.

Tags: anger, anxious, calm, changeheal, control, forgive, guilt, Henry Boudin, pain
Posted in Feeling Gratitude, healing | No Comments »

Dec
02
2013

Christmas and Grief

snowflake“Finding some buoyancy in the darkness.” ~ Beverley Pugh

Christmas can be a tough time for those of us who have experienced the passing of a loved one. I received an email from a man whose wife passed this fall. They have three children under the age of 15. He is reaching out for help as he is dreading the Christmas season. I know so many of us have experienced the loss of a loved one, and Christmas stirs up a great deal of sadness.

When a loved one passes, it rocks our whole foundation. Everything, as we know it, is different. There can be such a weight of heaviness.

My dad passed away in November many years ago just before Christmas. I remember the pain – layers and layers of pain and sadness. It was really hard – I wondered if I would make it through December. I felt that the combination of loss and Christmas would completely bowl me over – so many emotions.

Where do we start and how do we navigate through Christmas when our hearts are aching? For all of us we have to start at the beginning – what is real for us and the truth of how we feel. You may feel devastated, overwhelmed, angry, numbed out, or incredibly sad. You may be open with your grief, or hiding with your grief. You may be wondering how much of your open grief your friends can handle. Could you end up overwhelming them and spoiling their Christmas?

And then there are those of us who do everything we can to avoid our feelings. We heavily distract ourselves with the attempt at not feeling our pain. To move forward with grief, it’s really important to stay in integrity with how we really, truly feel. Don’t try and be different; be honest with yourself so that you can plan how to look after yourself from a very truthful, vulnerable place. There is tremendous strength in being with what is real for us.

Grief often comes in waves. We are in the midst of being in and out of it. I encourage you to ask yourself two questions that have been an anchor for me over the years.

  • How do I feel?
  • What do I need?

Throughout the years, asking and listening, and then taking action have allowed me to go through the tough times with authenticity. This is how healing happens.

As you invite yourself to befriend these two questions, there may be times when you need quiet space, and other times when you need the outside world. There is a time for expression of all aspects of grief – a time for despair, a time for hope, a time for reflection, a time for spirit, a time for a Kleenex box, a time for an airplane ticket, a time for a photo album, and a time for distraction. I encourage you to tell your friends what you need. This can be of great help for you and for them.

There is no right or wrong way to cope with Christmas. Distraction can be a helpful coping technique. One thing I encourage you to do is to have a plan. Don’t go into Christmas without a “something” that you are going to gift yourself. For some people it is going to the sun, where they can feel lighter.

When my dad died, we decided to completely change our experience of Christmas. My mom and brother took a cruise (first time ever) with friends, and I stayed with some university pals and skied and played cards. It worked for us. The next Christmas was easier, and then the next was easier again. Choosing to do something different helped us.

Remember that the part of you that is hurting is a beautiful part of you that can feel so deeply and sincerely. You don’t want to make that part of you bad…it’s your beautiful heart that serves you well.

This is a beautiful community. I have been deeply moved by the support and care we all have for one another.

I’m taking a deep breath, knowing that life has its joys and sorrows. The terrain of life is challenging.

Thank you to the gentleman who reached out and allowed all of us to bring full sentiment to the holiday season.

All the best from 2013,

Bev

Tags: Bev Pugh, Christmas, coping, death, distraction, emotions, feelings, healing, hope, joy, pain, sadness
Posted in Learning to Adapt | 2 Comments »

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Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

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Mastery Practice Tool

Choose Your Dominant Thought

We have been given a subconscious mind, a conscious mind, and free choice. We have the resources we need to be happy and healthy regardless of what is gong on. Choose a dominant thought that holds the meaning of what is really important to you. When you say it, look for a light and expanding feeling. It will feel like it elevates you. This is not a mental exercise, it is a feeling exercise using words for increased awareness. Keep this dominant thought at the forefront of your mind. If a negative thought comes in, immediately return to your dominant thought. With practice you will get faster at shifting your awareness. This is very powerful.

Testimonial

Bev's Laughing and Breathing Belly Workshop for Children was one of the best I have attended. She has a gifted ability to gently connect with children and teach and share with them her techniques of belly breathing, rooting, mind vacations and laughter. These techniques soothe and calm them whenever they feel overwhelmed or anxious - be at school, home or before bed time. Whether you have an overwhelmed pre-schooler or a test-anxious pre-teen, Bev's approach works! I love that she gave parents the tools to model and share these fundamentals of meditation with their children. I would encourage families to take her course...your children will thank you and you will benefit from ways to keep yourself calm and allow wisdom in.

Farrah J. - Mother of 3, West Vancouver

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About Beverley

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

Contact

Telephone:
604-925-1513
Email:
bev@beverleypugh.com
Location:
120-1451 Marine Drive
West Vancouver, BC
V7T 1B8
Canada

Disclaimer: The information presented on this site about various psychological conditions, is of a general nature and is not a substitute for an assessment by a competent therapist and/or medical professional. If you believe that you or an important person in your life is in need of an intervention please seek qualified help as soon as possible.

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