At some point, we fly from the nest built by our parents and go off with some very definite ideas about what we will and will not do in our lives and families. I’ve found that in my own life, raising my four boys, there were some experiences I avoided at all costs and some experiences that became everyday moments in our lives.

Through the wonderful people who have shared their time with me, there have been many a discussion starting with, “I am so afraid of being like my mother….but I found myself doing exactly what she would do the other day.” Another statement might be, “I never want kids because I might treat them like my father (or mother) treated me. I can’t take that chance.”

I often think that leaving our families to start our own lives is like building new pyramids. We can just slide the same pyramid to its new spot and continue the patterns our parents gave us. Sometimes this can be healthy and sometimes not. But when we truly leave to build our own patterns, we build our own pyramids.

And the adventure begins! As we start construction, we often find the building materials in the bricks of the pyramid we just vacated.

There are many different bricks that we take with us, but there are some that stand out more than others. First, we take bricks that have “Never” written on them. These are the behaviors we are determined to avoid in our families – behaviors our kids will never experience. These are the bricks that represent behaviours that usually brought us some form of anxiety as we grew up.

Secondly, we take bricks that have “Always” written on them. These are the behaviors and customs that we want our children to absorb and love. These bricks represent the loving and nostalgic parts of our growing up. These are beautiful bricks.

And then there are those sneaky little bricks we bring, that have writing on them we cannot read. These are the bricks we pick up sort of absent mindedly as we are looking for material. They influence our behavior, but we are not exactly aware that they are there. These bricks pop up in the most unexpected places.

For instance, we may be so determined to be the opposite of our parents that we create other situations that are bothersome for our kids. If we want to have a clean rather than messy house, we may become obsessive about making beds or vacuuming every day. The dishwasher may have to be loaded and unloaded on a strict schedule. Room inspections may be mandatory. Guess which “never” brick our kids will take to their pyramids?

The sneaky bricks may also represent emotions or beliefs that we unknowingly bring along with us. These may come in the form of anxiety, anger, insecurity, or shame. Beliefs may include the need to be a peacemaker, the need to be vigilant for rejection, the thinking that our way of being successful is the only way, or that worth is determined by wealth, or beauty, or the clothes we wear. We may have learned that humour covers a multitude of sins or can ease the tension in most situations. There may be some bricks that carry familiar behaviour that we easily fall into, like the acts we are so determined “never” to do.

So when we explore our own pyramids, and become very curious about what bricks we have used in the construction, there begins another adventure of pyramid remodelling. We can keep the same bricks but move them around, throw bricks away, find new bricks, paint bricks, change the writing on them, make our pyramid larger or smaller, whatever we like – but first we need to discover what bricks are there and their purpose. Then we get creative!