Part 2 – Stop, Look, and Listen

“Do you listen to understand or do you listen to make your point?” ~Beverley Pugh

I was recently asked what my philosophy was around relationship counselling. Great question!!! So here goes:  In relationship counselling, my focus is on the individual growth of each person as well as the growth of the relationship.

It is in our relationships that we have real opportunity to grow. And our relationships grow as we grow.

So many times I have heard people say they felt the other person heard their words, but was not really listening to what they said, and certainly didn’t understand them. True communication is about connection. There are skills involved in this.

Often our own opinions, agendas, mood, worries, and beliefs get in the way of really listening to what is being said. This can actually push the other person away.

When we communicate there are two steps.

• Listening to understand
• Problem solving

Always remember that problem solving must come after listening to understand.

What does listening to understand look like?

Slowing down the pace of discussion and getting curious about what the other person is saying and feeling.

Being conscious of your breathing because it will help you be really present, and listen to what is being said.

Silently ask yourself the following:

• Am I truly listening?
• Am I listening to understand them?
• Am I getting what they are feeling?
• Am I understanding the message that is behind their words?

If you would like to try a specific approach, the following exercise is very helpful.

Suggest to the other person that both of you try something different in how you communicate. Then suggest the following:

You both take the time to listen to one another without interrupting. The key here is no interruption at all. Give each other your full attention. Each has equal air time. Then say back to the other what you have heard, and ask them if you have it.

This exercise can take some time. I encourage you not to rush to problem solving, but make sure you have the essence of this step. Allow problem solving to happen at a later time. This is a time for connecting and understanding. Couples or family members can disagree and still feel close. But when they don’t feel understood or they feel “talked at”, the differences between them can cause a serious disconnect.

Be aware if you are pretending to listen, but you are really just going through the motions while you plan your defense or your offense. Try instead to listen from a place of genuine curiosity.

If you can slow it down and listen to understand, more space comes in for inspiration and creative problem solving. You set the stage for problem resolution.

Enjoy playing with these strategies.