When I first came to see Bev, I was in a very dark place. I was completely disconnected from my friends and family for I was trapped in a deep depression and filled with overwhelming anxiety. Every minute of the day, I felt like I was confined in a prison of negativity. It was like torture from the inside out as my mind was filled with hopelessness and helplessness. My brain criticized me with constant put-downs from the moment I woke up until the time I fell asleep: “You’re a terrible person.” “You’re not intelligent at all.” “You’re weak.” And worst of all: “You’re never going to be happy, so what’s the point?” How could I ever feel like myself again when my mind was a ruthless judge, telling me every second of the day to just give up?
On the first day when I began my time with Bev, I figured that no one in the world had ever felt as terrible and scared as I did. Bev assured me that she had met and counseled many people that did feel just as hopeless as I did but who had gotten completely better. Frankly, I was not so sure. But over time, Bev taught me the difference between what my mind, or my judging ego, was telling me compared to what my heart was desperately trying to show me. I had the power to make an amazing choice. Once I refused to stop listening to the constant critic in my head, my perspective about my life gradually shifted. I challenged every negative thought that tried to get the better of me. Was I really a bad person? No. Was I really stupid? Again, no. Could I really get better? Absolutely!
As I began to open and expand my “heart energy” of compassion and love instead of collapsing into my “ego energy” of criticism and hatred, something beautiful happened. As I kept focusing on my heart, I came to a place of self-nurturing and self-love that I had never appreciated or even identified before. The darkness gradually melted away, and I became curious about who I really was and what I could offer to the world. I started walking and exercising again. I completed a sprint triathlon. I even went back to school to pursue an education job I always wanted but did not feel capable of doing. Best of all, I was able to reconnect to my wonderful family and realize how much I was already loved.
I had begun an incredible journey of love that I still travel every day. Just a few days ago, I came across a quote from an American historian, columnist, novelist and poet named Aberjhani who stated: “Dare to love yourself as if you were a rainbow with gold at both ends.” I could not have said it any better myself!
