“My Conviction is Stronger than my Thoughts.” ~ Novak Djokovic, World # 1 Tennis Professional

Recently I really came up against myself. I just wrote a eulogy for someone I love. It triggered another layer of inquiry, and some of my ‘stuff’ started to resurface again. You know what it is like when you feel you have dealt with something, and then it comes up again? That in itself is challenging.

There have been a number of deaths in my family over a very short period of time…and 2 friends as well. There was lots of sadness, grief, and tears. Then a real rumble started inside of me about whether the people I loved should have died. I disagreed with the big guy in the sky, and started an argument within me, and with the powers that be. This is really interesting for me because my spiritual life is really important to me. Now I came up against my thoughts and convictions big time!

A lot of emotion came up for me. I was arguing within myself…Bev fighting Bev. An aspect of me believed they shouldn’t have died and should have had more time. It all felt very unfair. Yet another aspect of me knows on a deep level that there is such a thing as divine timing. Knowing it is one thing, and living it is another. The rumble became really active. I took on the Heavens with my doubts and anger and judgment. I played in the arena of being self righteous.

Being in the field of psychology, I know how important it is for all of us to feel our feelings, acknowledge them, and express them. We can’t move forward without first feeling the honesty of what is going on inside of us. Then, with time, we slowly open to a larger perspective. And that perspective is grounded in a feeling of truth. So we “get it” on a deeper level. We meet ourselves with more understanding. This is how self realization works for me.

So I let myself feel the sadness and grief. I argued with the Heavens. I played it out. I was authentic with myself. I didn’t pretend to be anywhere other than where I was at. There was a big rumble going on inside of me. I knew that no clarity can come in if I didn’t stay with what was real.

I remembered that over the years I have seen many ministers in my practice. They were coming up against themselves and needed some help unraveling their distress. I noticed that they moved too quickly through the stages of anger and despair, to get to the big place of forgiveness or faith. Its okay to have a rumble inside of us, but sometimes we can see it as a weakness or we just want to feel better, so we decide to move to an intellectual level of acceptance or forgiveness or understanding. We move to a higher perspective without feeling everything that is human inside of us. Unfortunately, when we do this, our emotions can come back at us because we have dealt with it intellectually, or according to our ideal as to how we should handle it. This does not uproot the thoughts that are causing the distress. We need to go as deep as we can, and feel our true emotions. We need to do an inquiry around our thoughts and assumptions.

So that is what I did.  I thought I was further ahead than where I was at, and I had brought in some judgement.

Sound familiar?

I am grateful for the eulogy in that it challenged me to really choose where I stood.

For each one of us, it is important to go inside of us and find out what our own truth is…not the other person’s truth or the world’s truth, but our own truth.

It happened to be around death for me, but we are all challenged to choose how we process all of our thoughts and choices of behaviours.

For me, perspective started to come in after I did the “work”. The perspective was not intellectual; it was a knowingness about what felt right.

I remember one of Einstein’s most favourite quotes. “The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe.”  Our experience of life is determined by that decision or choice.

Clarity came in for me. I don’t presume to know whether life or death is better for me, or anyone I love. I moved back to my core belief that my spiritual beliefs are my truths, and I live my life through them. It doesn’t mean I won’t have another rumble, but my knowingness went to a deeper level through this.

Self-growth can feel like giving birth. Whatever the theme or issue!!

Whatever is going on inside of you right now, it offers the potential to move forward. It’s not “bad”, it is your process of bringing more understanding to you and what you stand for. This is how we grow and expand.