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Mar
08
2016

Some Personal Reflections

“My Conviction is Stronger than my Thoughts.” ~ Novak Djokovic, World # 1 Tennis Professional

Faces - emotionsRecently I really came up against myself. I just wrote a eulogy for someone I love. It triggered another layer of inquiry, and some of my ‘stuff’ started to resurface again. You know what it is like when you feel you have dealt with something, and then it comes up again? That in itself is challenging.

There have been a number of deaths in my family over a very short period of time…and 2 friends as well. There was lots of sadness, grief, and tears. Then a real rumble started inside of me about whether the people I loved should have died. I disagreed with the big guy in the sky, and started an argument within me, and with the powers that be. This is really interesting for me because my spiritual life is really important to me. Now I came up against my thoughts and convictions big time!

A lot of emotion came up for me. I was arguing within myself…Bev fighting Bev. An aspect of me believed they shouldn’t have died and should have had more time. It all felt very unfair. Yet another aspect of me knows on a deep level that there is such a thing as divine timing. Knowing it is one thing, and living it is another. The rumble became really active. I took on the Heavens with my doubts and anger and judgment. I played in the arena of being self righteous.

Being in the field of psychology, I know how important it is for all of us to feel our feelings, acknowledge them, and express them. We can’t move forward without first feeling the honesty of what is going on inside of us. Then, with time, we slowly open to a larger perspective. And that perspective is grounded in a feeling of truth. So we “get it” on a deeper level. We meet ourselves with more understanding. This is how self realization works for me.

So I let myself feel the sadness and grief. I argued with the Heavens. I played it out. I was authentic with myself. I didn’t pretend to be anywhere other than where I was at. There was a big rumble going on inside of me. I knew that no clarity can come in if I didn’t stay with what was real.

I remembered that over the years I have seen many ministers in my practice. They were coming up against themselves and needed some help unraveling their distress. I noticed that they moved too quickly through the stages of anger and despair, to get to the big place of forgiveness or faith. Its okay to have a rumble inside of us, but sometimes we can see it as a weakness or we just want to feel better, so we decide to move to an intellectual level of acceptance or forgiveness or understanding. We move to a higher perspective without feeling everything that is human inside of us. Unfortunately, when we do this, our emotions can come back at us because we have dealt with it intellectually, or according to our ideal as to how we should handle it. This does not uproot the thoughts that are causing the distress. We need to go as deep as we can, and feel our true emotions. We need to do an inquiry around our thoughts and assumptions.

So that is what I did.  I thought I was further ahead than where I was at, and I had brought in some judgement.

Sound familiar?

I am grateful for the eulogy in that it challenged me to really choose where I stood.

For each one of us, it is important to go inside of us and find out what our own truth is…not the other person’s truth or the world’s truth, but our own truth.

It happened to be around death for me, but we are all challenged to choose how we process all of our thoughts and choices of behaviours.

For me, perspective started to come in after I did the “work”. The perspective was not intellectual; it was a knowingness about what felt right.

I remember one of Einstein’s most favourite quotes. “The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe.”  Our experience of life is determined by that decision or choice.

Clarity came in for me. I don’t presume to know whether life or death is better for me, or anyone I love. I moved back to my core belief that my spiritual beliefs are my truths, and I live my life through them. It doesn’t mean I won’t have another rumble, but my knowingness went to a deeper level through this.

Self-growth can feel like giving birth. Whatever the theme or issue!!

Whatever is going on inside of you right now, it offers the potential to move forward. It’s not “bad”, it is your process of bringing more understanding to you and what you stand for. This is how we grow and expand.

Tags: behaviours, Bev Pugh, choose, grief, knowingness, sadness, self-growth, tears, thoughts, truth, work
Posted in healing | 2 Comments »

Dec
02
2013

Memories by Joy

holding a candleThere was no celebrating Christmas as usual last year, for we’d lost our beloved son Adam the previous January, and the memories were wrenching. Our older son announced that instead of coming home, he would spend Christmas with his girlfriend’s family, which we understood and felt would be better for him. But that left us. So we resolutely turned our backs and visited very dear friends far away who knew our sons well. At the time, I thought of us as escaping from a dwelling of despair, but now I think we were actually escaping to a haven of caring and acceptance – friends whom we enjoyed spending time with, who could reminisce about Adam at Christmases past, and who weren’t bothered if we teared up when we did.

More important for us than Christmas last year was the New Year. For many years, we’ve gathered with another family to celebrate with dinner on New Year’s Day. Sometimes we invited others to join; sometimes it was just our two families. We never missed. And Adam always helped me prepare the meal, from the time he was little to the last, spending New Year’s Eve in the kitchen before heading off to a party with his girlfriend. He died 2 weeks later. I wasn’t sure our friends would want to continue the tradition, and they weren’t sure we would. Neither wanted to put the other under any pressure, and so neither of us spoke of it, until finally, after a reunion party for our son’s friends, we sat down to talk. The decision came together. We knew we couldn’t let it go.

With our older son away, it was just me in the kitchen, and solitary memories can cripple. We keep a photo of our son in the kitchen, and I lit a candle for him. I then took a deep breath, pulled out his iPod for the first time, connected it to speakers, and turned up his music full blast, hoping the neighbors were away. And I sang along. Not well, but he didn’t sing well either, which never stopped him, so I figured it shouldn’t stop me. I’d known the iPod was there all along, but I’d been unable to touch it. It seemed that this was the right time.

When our friends arrived, we set Adam’s photo at his place at the table, where he’d sat the year before. Before the New Year’s toast, we each lit a votive and set it around his photo. We did the meal as we always had, sometimes reminiscing, but mostly not. And at the end, we took our candles and snuffed them out, carrying him on in our thoughts that night.

On the morning of Adam’s last New Year’s Eve, our always reliable disposal malfunctioned for the first time. Adam got the tools and fixed it. Last New Year, after our friends left and my husband cleaned up the kitchen, he came in grinning to say that Adam had just paid us a visit. The disposal went out. I laughed, then turned out the lights and cried.

The best gift that you can give a friend facing the holidays after losing a loved one is compassion and understanding. I’ve been so grateful to, and for, Bev, who has helped to pull me through this season of darkness. Please do not remain silent. Sharing memories you have of their loved one is a priceless gift. People often are afraid to say anything for fear of “making someone cry” or making them “feel bad” or embarrassing them. Believe me, we feel bad with or without you, and we cry unassisted. It is not embarrassing. Indeed, there is a kind of sweetness in our sadness tears, for they seem to bring our beloved closer. As Bev so well understands.

Tags: acceptance, caring, Christmas, compassion, death, despair, grief, haven, holiday, New Years, reminiscing, tears, understanding
Posted in Learning to Adapt | No Comments »

Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

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Mastery Practice Tool

Each night, take 5 minutes before you go to bed, close your eyes, go into your heart, and go over your day from the present moment to the beginning of the day. Look for moments when you can feel gratitude for an occurrence or a feeling. There may be something in your day that you took for granted or you missed. This exercise allows you to be in full awareness of the good things that are happening in your life. I would recommend that you do it regularly for one month and then decide if you want to continue.

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Our ability, as parents, to support our children to thrive in stressful situations is becoming more and more important. Children need very specific tools in their self regulation 'tool kits' that they can draw upon to support their success, and trusted adults to coach them in their use. But what are these tools and how to we teach them effectively to our kids?

Thankfully, there is Beverley Pugh! Bev takes a curious and calm approach to supporting children and parents with this journey. She is passionately invested in teaching parents and children ways to reduce anxiety and approach life positively and confidently. Bev is a master of her craft - she draws on years of her own experience as a parent and counsellor to work effectively and respectfully with children and their parents. I have thoroughly enjoyed Bev's recent workshops for parents and children and recommend them to anyone willing to explore specific strategies to help their children thrive at home, at school and in their community.

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About Beverley

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

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Telephone:
604-925-1513
Email:
bev@beverleypugh.com
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V7T 1B8
Canada

Disclaimer: The information presented on this site about various psychological conditions, is of a general nature and is not a substitute for an assessment by a competent therapist and/or medical professional. If you believe that you or an important person in your life is in need of an intervention please seek qualified help as soon as possible.

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