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Nov
06
2016

Our Dog Died

bev-with-her-dogs

“Pets come in to this life to support us, and what we need to learn.” ~ A Dog Whisperer friend of mine

In September, I was walking my two dogs at the top of St. Mary’s in North Vancouver and our little dog, Scooter, died suddenly. He saw a dog, barked, and I pulled him back and he rolled over and died in seconds. I thought I had killed him by reigning him in too strongly. I called my family on my cellphone, and carried him back to the car. We took him to the animal emergency, but he had indeed passed. Heartbreaking. He was 7 ½ years old, and in excellent health. I know many of you have had pets who have passed. It’s the toughest part of being a pet owner.

We were all broken hearted. I experienced intense grief, and also guilt that I had done something wrong. I was assured that it was simply his “time”, and there was no known cause unless we wanted an autopsy. We decided to just let him go, and sadly move into acceptance.

Grieving is a tough part of life. No words can change the flow of life and death. It can all feel so very unfair. We all have our own ways of navigating through this.

As I was dealing with my own grief, and the grief of our family and our other dog, I became very aware that embedded in my feeling of grief were feelings of guilt. I felt that if I had done something different, he wouldn’t have died. If I had chosen a different path, not sharply reigned him in, not met that particular dog, been more aware, etc. It is not uncommon in grief for all of us to have a guilt component. I went through the whole process.

I am always taken aback at how much grief hurts. Regardless of our philosophy, we are all human, and there are feelings to feel. The guilt component really was present for me. It had happened on my watch, when I was responsible.

One of the first things I did was recognize the feelings of guilt, and then because I am committed to personal expansion, I asked myself whether this feeling of guilt was an isolated experience, or whether guilt was one of my “default” positions. Default means a coping pattern or way of thinking that has been around for a long time, and is one of the filters we use when we process events. It is important when we look at our feelings to know whether we are dealing with a pattern of thinking, or a specific feeling in the moment. If it is a pattern, then we are being controlled by a style of thinking that interferes with our ability to process the truth of all possibilities.

Knowing this both professionally and personally, I began my own inquiry as to whether the guilt component of grief that I was experiencing was just specific to the event, or whether I was dealing with an aspect of myself that has a pattern of relating to life from a place of guilt.

So I went into my, “here we go again” reflection. Often we think we have done enough to clear something, and then it pops up again. It’s part of being human.

When I sat with all of this, I realized I was dealing with a pattern. I tend to feel guilty and responsible when something “bad” happens, and then I go into self blame. I felt I should have been able to do something, or caught it before it happened. I should have been able to control the outcome. It’s the “God Complex” in us which thinks we could have stopped the flow. Many of us do this. Reflect for yourself as to whether you have guilt as one of your default patterns. It was helpful for me when I took the time to really reflect on this. I asked myself if there were other times in my life when I would feel guilty… and I looked at this theme from a place of patterns, rather than isolated vignettes of feeing guilty. I didn’t realize before this incident that guilt was one of my defaults. I began to work at addressing it and challenging it, seeing it for what it was – a way of thinking and processing, rather than a truth. It took me a week of focusing, but I was able to uproot it as much was available for me at that point. It was a good feeing to go deeper.

It is so important to know what is a pattern of thought, and what is a response to a particular moment. Both need to be faced, but the pattern of thought is more limiting to our lives and needs to be uprooted.

The exercise I describe called The Matrix was really helpful when I realized that I had done nothing wrong, and it was a matter of it being his time. I stayed focused on this exercise. I also gave myself permission to be “in grace”. That to me meant that whatever role I played, it was not a purposeful one. I granted myself grace in the moment by quietly whispering to myself “I grant myself grace”.

Because I am interested in always moving to the bigger picture, I have a lot of commitment to unhooking myself from anything that limits me. I love Bryon Katie’s work because the unhooking is related to finding what the truth is. I don’t want to just make myself feel better. That is a band aid solution that doesn’t interest me. What I am interested in is the bigger truth. Only then do we move into personal expansion.

If guilt is a strong theme for you then I encourage you to do some inner cleaning. Guilt takes us off our game and off our highest place of being. Remember there are two aspects to guilt – making ourselves wrong, and therefore “lesser”, and blaming others and having them be wrong, guilty and therefore lesser. We humans can learn a lot through processing guilt.

So now, when I think of Scooter, I smile. Still sad, but I smile. This is what I remember:

“Oh, my toy, this is the favourite part of my day.
Oh a walk, this is the favourite part of my day.
Oh a pat, this is the favourite part of my day.
Oh playing with my family, this is the favourite part of my day.
Oh food, this is the favourite part of my day.”

So I am reminded of the joy that is part of every moment.

What you focus on expands. A gift to us all.

Tags: Bev Pugh, grace, grief, guilt, joy, love, pattern, thought, truth
Posted in forgiveness, healing | 18 Comments »

Apr
04
2016

Choose Your Dominant Thought

calmMy mind is very strong in that it keeps talking over and over. I am envious of people who have a quiet mind.

I have been working on this theme of the dominant thought, knowing the background noise is there. I am finding it really helpful.

I don’t do meditation, but I do run and play sports. I keep focused when I play sports, so why can’t I do the same thing in life?

I have learned that choosing my mind’s focus is like building an internal muscle. That language I can understand because I love using weights at the gym.

When Bev told me the mantra she was using to stay focused I thought, “that’s a bit too high for me” so I just keep saying “choose your dominant thought “, and you know what? It makes a difference!

Trevor

Tags: choose, mantra, mind, muscle, noise, quiet, strong, thought
Posted in Choice, managing emotions | No Comments »

Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

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Mastery Practice Tool

Cooling Yourself Down

To be able to listen and respect our partner or children we often have to cool down, calm down and find our internal equilibrium. To start a conversation with a high temperature is asking for more heat. Use the ‘Bathroom Technique’. Before a conversation that you know will hold emotion, prepare yourself. If your partner is aware, they will prepare themselves as well. The bathroom is a great place to focus because it has a lock. You have some moments of safety! Belly breathe, then set your stance to one of curiosity and listening. Ground yourself - meaning send your energy down to the earth, not up to your mouth. Sometimes we are caught off guard, especially by our kids. I have become an expert in grounding and staying centred through breath in any moment. You can as well. Remember to send your energy down, not up or scattered! Keep building your resource kit!

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Our ability, as parents, to support our children to thrive in stressful situations is becoming more and more important. Children need very specific tools in their self regulation 'tool kits' that they can draw upon to support their success, and trusted adults to coach them in their use. But what are these tools and how to we teach them effectively to our kids?

Thankfully, there is Beverley Pugh! Bev takes a curious and calm approach to supporting children and parents with this journey. She is passionately invested in teaching parents and children ways to reduce anxiety and approach life positively and confidently. Bev is a master of her craft - she draws on years of her own experience as a parent and counsellor to work effectively and respectfully with children and their parents. I have thoroughly enjoyed Bev's recent workshops for parents and children and recommend them to anyone willing to explore specific strategies to help their children thrive at home, at school and in their community.

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About Beverley

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

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Telephone:
604-925-1513
Email:
bev@beverleypugh.com
Location:
120-1451 Marine Drive
West Vancouver, BC
V7T 1B8
Canada

Disclaimer: The information presented on this site about various psychological conditions, is of a general nature and is not a substitute for an assessment by a competent therapist and/or medical professional. If you believe that you or an important person in your life is in need of an intervention please seek qualified help as soon as possible.

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