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Oct
13
2015

Strengthening Your Relationships

Part 2 – Stop, Look, and Listen

Stop Look Listen“Do you listen to understand or do you listen to make your point?” ~Beverley Pugh

I was recently asked what my philosophy was around relationship counselling. Great question!!! So here goes:  In relationship counselling, my focus is on the individual growth of each person as well as the growth of the relationship.

It is in our relationships that we have real opportunity to grow. And our relationships grow as we grow.

So many times I have heard people say they felt the other person heard their words, but was not really listening to what they said, and certainly didn’t understand them. True communication is about connection. There are skills involved in this.

Often our own opinions, agendas, mood, worries, and beliefs get in the way of really listening to what is being said. This can actually push the other person away.

When we communicate there are two steps.

  • Listening to understand
  • Problem solving

Always remember that problem solving must come after listening to understand.

What does listening to understand look like?

Slowing down the pace of discussion and getting curious about what the other person is saying and feeling.

Being conscious of your breathing because it will help you be really present, and listen to what is being said.

Silently ask yourself the following:

  • Am I truly listening?
  • Am I listening to understand them?
  • Am I getting what they are feeling?
  • Am I understanding the message that is behind their words?

If you would like to try a specific approach, the following exercise is very helpful.

Suggest to the other person that both of you try something different in how you communicate. Then suggest the following:

You both take the time to listen to one another without interrupting. The key here is no interruption at all. Give each other your full attention. Each has equal air time. Then say back to the other what you have heard, and ask them if you have it.

This exercise can take some time. I encourage you not to rush to problem solving, but make sure you have the essence of this step. Allow problem solving to happen at a later time. This is a time for connecting and understanding. Couples or family members can disagree and still feel close. But when they don’t feel understood or they feel “talked at”, the differences between them can cause a serious disconnect.

Be aware if you are pretending to listen, but you are really just going through the motions while you plan your defense or your offense. Try instead to listen from a place of genuine curiosity.

If you can slow it down and listen to understand, more space comes in for inspiration and creative problem solving. You set the stage for problem resolution.

Enjoy playing with these strategies.

Tags: awareness, Beverley Pugh, communication, curious, feeling, listen, love, problem solving, relationship, understand
Posted in awareness, change, forgiveness, healing, Love, Relationships | 2 Comments »

Oct
13
2015

How Learning to Listen Saved My Marriage

ListeningI have a temper, a bad temper. And I can swear and be disrespectful. Then I feel bad afterward and ashamed of myself. My wife referred me for counselling. Of course I thought that she was the one that needed it. Bev pulled in both of us. I learned that I go straight to trying to fix things and solve problems. I never even thought of the first step…listening to understand. At first I thought it sounded hokey. But we decided to do it because the way we were trying was getting us nowhere. I found it really hard at the beginning. I felt so impatient. I kept interrupting my wife because I felt like everything she was saying was wrong and unfair. In the end Bev sat between us, and I learned how to slow down. Now I breathe and listen and focus, and so does my wife. I want my son to learn this because he has a temper like me. I get it now. I am a slow learner.

George

 

Tags: awareness, Bev Pugh, Counselling, emotions, learn, listen, love, temper, understand
Posted in awareness, healing, Love, Relationships, Self Growth | No Comments »

Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

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Mastery Practice Tool

Using Pictures Rather Than Words

It is true that a picture in our mind is very powerful. It is more powerful than a paragraph of self-talk. Both the subconscious and the conscious mind respond to a picture, especially if it is encoded with emotions. If you want to increase the part of you that has a desire to live differently, then I encourage you to find images that you can hold in your mind or imagination as a way of reprogramming.

For me, there is power associated with this picture: I see a stick shift gear in my mind (encoded with love for my Dad). It tells me to navigate with alertness and self care both for myself, and those around me. A picture really does say a thousand words.

Reflect on your experiences in life. Find a memory that holds the power of alertness and self-accountability; one of successfully navigating or being engaged in self-care. Allow that picture to be embedded in your mind by imagining it, and feeling the emotion that goes with it. For me it is power and self-accountability. When you feel the feeling that goes with the picture, you embed it in your subconscious and conscious mind. Now you are reprogramming!

Testimonial

My daughter, Trinity, attended her first Children’s Empowerment Workshop and she loved it! It has helped her deal with some of the real anxieties that all children go through - from the not so nice kid at school, to the imagination that runs away with her at night time, when we are getting ready for bed.

She practices her rooting and the different breathing techniques that she has learned, and has become stronger and more confident in dealing with different situations.

Pauline M.

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About Beverley

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

Contact

Telephone:
604-925-1513
Email:
bev@beverleypugh.com
Location:
120-1451 Marine Drive
West Vancouver, BC
V7T 1B8
Canada

Disclaimer: The information presented on this site about various psychological conditions, is of a general nature and is not a substitute for an assessment by a competent therapist and/or medical professional. If you believe that you or an important person in your life is in need of an intervention please seek qualified help as soon as possible.

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