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Mar
13
2018

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear… is he still wrong?

communication

“If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear… is he still wrong?” ~A fridge magnet

This fridge magnet makes for an interesting discussion between couples. My husband loves this quote.

In couples counselling, often the underlying theme being presented by clients is, “let’s get to the place where I am right, and my partner is wrong”. All of us have experienced this tendency. It stunts our communication and intimacy if we operate from this position. Not a lot can grow from it. But many of us do it either consciously or unconsciously.

Connection is based upon understanding. That is why in marital counselling we often do paraphrasing work, and encourage people to step into the other person’s shoes so that there is an understanding. This brings a feeling of being honoured. If we don’t feel honoured, we can become very angry and resentful. It can create a disconnect. Not good! It’s then impossible to move forward in our relationship. We get stuck in ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.

Do you feel honoured and understood in your relationship with your partner? Does your partner feel honoured and heard in their relationship with you?

If you wish to enhance your relationship with your partner or your child, I suggest the following:

Step 1: If you feel the emotional life thermometer going up, begin to belly breathe and feel your feet on the earth. Wiggle you toes and then ground yourself so you stay focused and clear.

Step 2: Go into your heart. Do that by imagining something you love, perhaps an animal, a special place in nature, or a child. We cannot move into any kind of resolution if our heart is closed.

Step 3: Listen to your partner (or child) from a place of being open. I ask myself the question, “Have I ever felt like they feel now?”, and then I let myself remember how it feels. Now I am really listening, and compassion is present in this moment. It doesn’t mean you abandoned your needs, but you are now listening from a place of hearing and there is still a connection rather than a disconnect.

Step 4: Paraphrase back to them to make sure you understand their meaning.

Step 5: Somewhere in the middle between them and you is the answer. Be open to it.

Step 6: This is not about giving up your opinion, your feelings, or your experiences. It’s about how to keep the connection going while you wade through the foliage. How you feel is important, and how they feel is important. If both of you can enter into communication from a place of open mind and open heart, then the chances for a good outcome increases.

Listening to understand is a beautiful way for both of you to keep the connection present while you sort things out.

Enjoy this morsel!

Tags: angry, breathe, compassion, Counselling, emotion, feelings, listen, open, relationship, understanding
Posted in Love, managing emotions | No Comments »

Dec
02
2013

Memories by Joy

holding a candleThere was no celebrating Christmas as usual last year, for we’d lost our beloved son Adam the previous January, and the memories were wrenching. Our older son announced that instead of coming home, he would spend Christmas with his girlfriend’s family, which we understood and felt would be better for him. But that left us. So we resolutely turned our backs and visited very dear friends far away who knew our sons well. At the time, I thought of us as escaping from a dwelling of despair, but now I think we were actually escaping to a haven of caring and acceptance – friends whom we enjoyed spending time with, who could reminisce about Adam at Christmases past, and who weren’t bothered if we teared up when we did.

More important for us than Christmas last year was the New Year. For many years, we’ve gathered with another family to celebrate with dinner on New Year’s Day. Sometimes we invited others to join; sometimes it was just our two families. We never missed. And Adam always helped me prepare the meal, from the time he was little to the last, spending New Year’s Eve in the kitchen before heading off to a party with his girlfriend. He died 2 weeks later. I wasn’t sure our friends would want to continue the tradition, and they weren’t sure we would. Neither wanted to put the other under any pressure, and so neither of us spoke of it, until finally, after a reunion party for our son’s friends, we sat down to talk. The decision came together. We knew we couldn’t let it go.

With our older son away, it was just me in the kitchen, and solitary memories can cripple. We keep a photo of our son in the kitchen, and I lit a candle for him. I then took a deep breath, pulled out his iPod for the first time, connected it to speakers, and turned up his music full blast, hoping the neighbors were away. And I sang along. Not well, but he didn’t sing well either, which never stopped him, so I figured it shouldn’t stop me. I’d known the iPod was there all along, but I’d been unable to touch it. It seemed that this was the right time.

When our friends arrived, we set Adam’s photo at his place at the table, where he’d sat the year before. Before the New Year’s toast, we each lit a votive and set it around his photo. We did the meal as we always had, sometimes reminiscing, but mostly not. And at the end, we took our candles and snuffed them out, carrying him on in our thoughts that night.

On the morning of Adam’s last New Year’s Eve, our always reliable disposal malfunctioned for the first time. Adam got the tools and fixed it. Last New Year, after our friends left and my husband cleaned up the kitchen, he came in grinning to say that Adam had just paid us a visit. The disposal went out. I laughed, then turned out the lights and cried.

The best gift that you can give a friend facing the holidays after losing a loved one is compassion and understanding. I’ve been so grateful to, and for, Bev, who has helped to pull me through this season of darkness. Please do not remain silent. Sharing memories you have of their loved one is a priceless gift. People often are afraid to say anything for fear of “making someone cry” or making them “feel bad” or embarrassing them. Believe me, we feel bad with or without you, and we cry unassisted. It is not embarrassing. Indeed, there is a kind of sweetness in our sadness tears, for they seem to bring our beloved closer. As Bev so well understands.

Tags: acceptance, caring, Christmas, compassion, death, despair, grief, haven, holiday, New Years, reminiscing, tears, understanding
Posted in Learning to Adapt | No Comments »

Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

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Re-parenting The bottom line is that there is only you. If you carry regrets around how you were parented when growing up, then use that amazing wisdom to take action now to be the mother or father you always wanted. Be that to yourself now. Give to yourself what you would have wanted. Old dynamics are meant to offer pearls of wisdom for us to move forward and be our own solution. They are not meant to be carried around as a stagnant regret. When we blame, we are diverting ourselves from us. You are already your own expert... now move into action.

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About Beverley

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

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Telephone:
604-925-1513
Email:
bev@beverleypugh.com
Location:
120-1451 Marine Drive
West Vancouver, BC
V7T 1B8
Canada

Disclaimer: The information presented on this site about various psychological conditions, is of a general nature and is not a substitute for an assessment by a competent therapist and/or medical professional. If you believe that you or an important person in your life is in need of an intervention please seek qualified help as soon as possible.

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