“If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear… is he still wrong?” ~A fridge magnet

This fridge magnet makes for an interesting discussion between couples. My husband loves this quote.

In couples counselling, often the underlying theme being presented by clients is, “let’s get to the place where I am right, and my partner is wrong”. All of us have experienced this tendency. It stunts our communication and intimacy if we operate from this position. Not a lot can grow from it. But many of us do it either consciously or unconsciously.

Connection is based upon understanding. That is why in marital counselling we often do paraphrasing work, and encourage people to step into the other person’s shoes so that there is an understanding. This brings a feeling of being honoured. If we don’t feel honoured, we can become very angry and resentful. It can create a disconnect. Not good! It’s then impossible to move forward in our relationship. We get stuck in ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.

Do you feel honoured and understood in your relationship with your partner? Does your partner feel honoured and heard in their relationship with you?

If you wish to enhance your relationship with your partner or your child, I suggest the following:

Step 1: If you feel the emotional life thermometer going up, begin to belly breathe and feel your feet on the earth. Wiggle you toes and then ground yourself so you stay focused and clear.

Step 2: Go into your heart. Do that by imagining something you love, perhaps an animal, a special place in nature, or a child. We cannot move into any kind of resolution if our heart is closed.

Step 3: Listen to your partner (or child) from a place of being open. I ask myself the question, “Have I ever felt like they feel now?”, and then I let myself remember how it feels. Now I am really listening, and compassion is present in this moment. It doesn’t mean you abandoned your needs, but you are now listening from a place of hearing and there is still a connection rather than a disconnect.

Step 4: Paraphrase back to them to make sure you understand their meaning.

Step 5: Somewhere in the middle between them and you is the answer. Be open to it.

Step 6: This is not about giving up your opinion, your feelings, or your experiences. It’s about how to keep the connection going while you wade through the foliage. How you feel is important, and how they feel is important. If both of you can enter into communication from a place of open mind and open heart, then the chances for a good outcome increases.

Listening to understand is a beautiful way for both of you to keep the connection present while you sort things out.

Enjoy this morsel!