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Jan
12
2016

What Do You Stand For?

courage“Our true legacy is how we live our lives…not what we leave.” ~ Anonymous

This was a tough newsletter for me to write because once I wrote down what I stand for, four days later I realized “no, that’s not it.” I rewrote it four times! This simple inquiry really got a rumble going. So, this is it for now.

What we stand for is different than what our goals are. For me, what I stand for emanates from the deepest part of me. It is how I desire to be rather than to have.

When I became a parent my life changed overnight. It became really important to me that I gave these beautiful children a full spectrum of opportunity to value themselves, value others, and live a life to their fullest potential. I wanted to somehow contribute to that.

But how do we do that as parents?

It is one thing to ask ourselves, “What do I want to teach my children?”, and it’s quite another to ask, “What do I stand for?”. For me, this is one of those ‘going deep questions’; an inquiry that is useful for all of us. We all need clarity within ourselves, so our choices and behaviour can reflect that clarity.

What we stand for is different than what our goals are. For me, it is a vision that I hold that goes beyond goals and desires.

I stand for:

  • Courage
  • Compassion
  • Highest Potential
  • Service
  • Gratitude

Each one of these words is a way of life; a way of being and doing.

Courage to me is the courage to move forward outside of my comfort zone where there is attachment and familiarity. It is moving into the new, into what I truly desire for myself. It involves walking through fears. Perseverance and commitment are important friends during this phase.

Compassion is valuing myself wholeheartedly and valuing others. Compassion starts with self-compassion. As I dare to move forward, I hold compassion for myself rather than judgement. I hold this way of being for others.

Highest Potential is an integral part of what I stand for with myself and for others. That is why I love my work. My wish is that I am fully integrated and the highest part of me is what directs me. When we argue with different parts of ourselves, it drains a lot of energy. Therefore, we are not being integrated. We are scattered and we exhaust ourselves. Full Integration and Highest Potential. That is what I stand for.

Service is important to me because in my heart, I believe in community. We all need the support of one another.

Gratitude is the cornerstone of how I look at life. For me, it is a way of being rather than a feeling I have when I receive what I’m asking for. Gratitude keeps my heart open and when my heart is open, I grow as I keep experiencing new forms of awareness in each moment.

I once heard someone say, “How I participate in every part of life determines its value.” So true!

In this early part of 2016, reflect on what you stand for. This is our foundation from which we can move forward. This is what we pass on to our children. In our dense consumer driven world, it is easy to spend the whole time swimming in the waters of buying more things.

We often think of legacy as to what things we are leaving. For our loved ones, legacy is much vaster than that, and far more powerful.

I know for myself becoming a parent was the best thing that has ever happened to me. It lifted me to place of increased accountability to myself. This is not about judging ourselves in any way. This is about looking at life and living it from a place of inspiration and clarity.

Invite yourself to ponder. Ponder what you stand for. This is our true legacy.

Have a great year everyone!

Tags: behaviour, being, Beverley Pugh, commitment, compassion, courage, potential, service
Posted in awareness, Choice, Feeling Gratitude, forgiveness, Gentleness, Health and Happiness | 12 Comments »

Nov
10
2015

Strengthening Your Relationships Part 3

 

“It’s not the words we remember, but the way we felt when the words were said.” – Bev Pugh

What is really going on?

When I was at graduate school studying relationship counselling, I remember one of the key pivotal themes. When people are talking, focus not on the words but on what they “do” (intentionally or unintentionally) with what they say. The story or the words is the Content, and the Process is what we “do” with what we say. I was really drilled on this one.

My teacher was Dr. Mel Gooderham and he was as sharp as they come. I was very privileged to learn from him. I studied in Toronto at a Counselling Centre that had one-way mirrors. Clients payed very little money and as students, we sat behind the mirror and learned from the pros. Then it was our turn and each one of our sessions was observed through the one-way mirror. A bit nerve racking!

Initially, I observed over 30 sessions and the volume was turned off. So as I watched, I conducted my assessments with no sound. Afterwards, I would hand in my conclusions on what I saw and felt. I observed body postures and movements as well as facial expressions and frequency of speaking. I could not see a client until I could do an entire assessment without hearing the words and achieve a high degree of accuracy about the dynamics. This experience was very powerful.

I noticed how people looked at one another or didn’t look. How they crossed their bodies with legs or arms, and sat facing one another or turned away. I noticed if they looked bored when the other was talking. I noticed that when talking, did they look earnest or were they routining it? Did they listen or show impatience as if “here we go again”? I noticed if someone would keep talking even though the other person had obviously disconnected. I noticed how a child would protect a parent, or a parent protect a child. I could go on forever. There were so many telling features that I could get the “message behind the message”. When I am working, I listen and look for the bottom line and core issue rather than getting caught up in the story. Knowing about the difference between Process and Content has been invaluable.

For the next part of my training, I was asked to make another assessment while watching behind the one-way mirror. I could hear only the tone as all of the words were blurred. I gained more information, and was again amazed at how accurate I became from the Process; I was observing without hearing the content or the story. That doesn’t mean the content isn’t important, but we communicate on so many different levels. Ask yourself “How am feeling when he or she speaks?” This is invaluable.

Finally, it was my turn to be the professional in the room and not be behind the mirror. I was so nervous. I went to the Bay and bought a dress and shoes that make me look a hundred years old. I was 24. I thought that if I looked old I would look wise and be wise. Of course, this didn’t work! But what did save my hide was Dr. Gooderham’s teaching about always listening and going for the process, and not getting engaged in the story or arguing about who was right or wrong. I looked for how each person felt inside as the other spoke. What did they do to one another with their words? It was quite miraculous. It was a whole other level of knowing what was really going on.

Often today I ask couples if they really know what they are arguing about; what the bottom line issue is. Often they don’t know.

With your partner, notice how you feel when they speak. Notice what happens that you when you feel this way. Is it an accumulated reaction, or specific to this situation? What are they doing so that you are responding in the way you are? What happens when you speak? Is it a demanding or demeaning? Are you putting them down, or acknowledging them and talking from a place of respect? Are you giving in and not honouring yourself, or do you feel hopeless? Are you judging them, and is that in your approach to them?

For all of us, the content continually changes. We can argue about anything and everything: toothpaste, cars, money, dinner, houses, kids, sex, etc. The patterns that develop can stay the same and get more deeply entrenched with time, unless we catch them and unhook them.

Look for the Content and the Process as you speak to your partner, children or friend. Notice how you feel when you are with them. This is the level that holds the door open for change.

Tags: arguing, Beverley Pugh, change, choice, Counselling, emotions, feelings
Posted in awareness, Choice, Gentleness, Health and Happiness, Learning to Adapt, managing emotions, Self Growth | 5 Comments »

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Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

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Mastery Practice Tool

If I feel funky, I know that I have closed down in some way. I probably reacted to one of my thoughts, or to what someone was saying. I actually ask or direct my heart energy to open again by saying this out loud: "My heart is open in the front and the back, and my mind in one with my heart. My heart is connected to the highest part of me." I imagine something I love - often swimming in the ocean - and I savour the love of it so I can feel my heart open again. I have turned my focus to it, and directed my heart energy to open. I do this before I begin an activity, or see anyone that for some reason feel I may be reactive towards. A tip: I have been known to do it in the bathroom when I am taking a break from dynamics, and I come out feeling more open and wiser. This works! The bathroom is a great place to bring yourself back into balance!!

Testimonial

Bev's Laughing and Breathing Belly Workshop for Children was one of the best I have attended. She has a gifted ability to gently connect with children and teach and share with them her techniques of belly breathing, rooting, mind vacations and laughter. These techniques soothe and calm them whenever they feel overwhelmed or anxious - be at school, home or before bed time. Whether you have an overwhelmed pre-schooler or a test-anxious pre-teen, Bev's approach works! I love that she gave parents the tools to model and share these fundamentals of meditation with their children. I would encourage families to take her course...your children will thank you and you will benefit from ways to keep yourself calm and allow wisdom in.

Farrah J. - Mother of 3, West Vancouver

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About Beverley

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

Contact

Telephone:
604-925-1513
Email:
bev@beverleypugh.com
Location:
120-1451 Marine Drive
West Vancouver, BC
V7T 1B8
Canada

Disclaimer: The information presented on this site about various psychological conditions, is of a general nature and is not a substitute for an assessment by a competent therapist and/or medical professional. If you believe that you or an important person in your life is in need of an intervention please seek qualified help as soon as possible.

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