“It’s not the words we remember, but the way we felt when the words were said.” – Bev Pugh

What is really going on?

When I was at graduate school studying relationship counselling, I remember one of the key pivotal themes. When people are talking, focus not on the words but on what they “do” (intentionally or unintentionally) with what they say. The story or the words is the Content, and the Process is what we “do” with what we say. I was really drilled on this one.

My teacher was Dr. Mel Gooderham and he was as sharp as they come. I was very privileged to learn from him. I studied in Toronto at a Counselling Centre that had one-way mirrors. Clients payed very little money and as students, we sat behind the mirror and learned from the pros. Then it was our turn and each one of our sessions was observed through the one-way mirror. A bit nerve racking!

Initially, I observed over 30 sessions and the volume was turned off. So as I watched, I conducted my assessments with no sound. Afterwards, I would hand in my conclusions on what I saw and felt. I observed body postures and movements as well as facial expressions and frequency of speaking. I could not see a client until I could do an entire assessment without hearing the words and achieve a high degree of accuracy about the dynamics. This experience was very powerful.

I noticed how people looked at one another or didn’t look. How they crossed their bodies with legs or arms, and sat facing one another or turned away. I noticed if they looked bored when the other was talking. I noticed that when talking, did they look earnest or were they routining it? Did they listen or show impatience as if “here we go again”? I noticed if someone would keep talking even though the other person had obviously disconnected. I noticed how a child would protect a parent, or a parent protect a child. I could go on forever. There were so many telling features that I could get the “message behind the message”. When I am working, I listen and look for the bottom line and core issue rather than getting caught up in the story. Knowing about the difference between Process and Content has been invaluable.

For the next part of my training, I was asked to make another assessment while watching behind the one-way mirror. I could hear only the tone as all of the words were blurred. I gained more information, and was again amazed at how accurate I became from the Process; I was observing without hearing the content or the story. That doesn’t mean the content isn’t important, but we communicate on so many different levels. Ask yourself “How am feeling when he or she speaks?” This is invaluable.

Finally, it was my turn to be the professional in the room and not be behind the mirror. I was so nervous. I went to the Bay and bought a dress and shoes that make me look a hundred years old. I was 24. I thought that if I looked old I would look wise and be wise. Of course, this didn’t work! But what did save my hide was Dr. Gooderham’s teaching about always listening and going for the process, and not getting engaged in the story or arguing about who was right or wrong. I looked for how each person felt inside as the other spoke. What did they do to one another with their words? It was quite miraculous. It was a whole other level of knowing what was really going on.

Often today I ask couples if they really know what they are arguing about; what the bottom line issue is. Often they don’t know.

With your partner, notice how you feel when they speak. Notice what happens that you when you feel this way. Is it an accumulated reaction, or specific to this situation? What are they doing so that you are responding in the way you are? What happens when you speak? Is it a demanding or demeaning? Are you putting them down, or acknowledging them and talking from a place of respect? Are you giving in and not honouring yourself, or do you feel hopeless? Are you judging them, and is that in your approach to them?

For all of us, the content continually changes. We can argue about anything and everything: toothpaste, cars, money, dinner, houses, kids, sex, etc. The patterns that develop can stay the same and get more deeply entrenched with time, unless we catch them and unhook them.

Look for the Content and the Process as you speak to your partner, children or friend. Notice how you feel when you are with them. This is the level that holds the door open for change.