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Mar
13
2018

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear… is he still wrong?

communication

“If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear… is he still wrong?” ~A fridge magnet

This fridge magnet makes for an interesting discussion between couples. My husband loves this quote.

In couples counselling, often the underlying theme being presented by clients is, “let’s get to the place where I am right, and my partner is wrong”. All of us have experienced this tendency. It stunts our communication and intimacy if we operate from this position. Not a lot can grow from it. But many of us do it either consciously or unconsciously.

Connection is based upon understanding. That is why in marital counselling we often do paraphrasing work, and encourage people to step into the other person’s shoes so that there is an understanding. This brings a feeling of being honoured. If we don’t feel honoured, we can become very angry and resentful. It can create a disconnect. Not good! It’s then impossible to move forward in our relationship. We get stuck in ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.

Do you feel honoured and understood in your relationship with your partner? Does your partner feel honoured and heard in their relationship with you?

If you wish to enhance your relationship with your partner or your child, I suggest the following:

Step 1: If you feel the emotional life thermometer going up, begin to belly breathe and feel your feet on the earth. Wiggle you toes and then ground yourself so you stay focused and clear.

Step 2: Go into your heart. Do that by imagining something you love, perhaps an animal, a special place in nature, or a child. We cannot move into any kind of resolution if our heart is closed.

Step 3: Listen to your partner (or child) from a place of being open. I ask myself the question, “Have I ever felt like they feel now?”, and then I let myself remember how it feels. Now I am really listening, and compassion is present in this moment. It doesn’t mean you abandoned your needs, but you are now listening from a place of hearing and there is still a connection rather than a disconnect.

Step 4: Paraphrase back to them to make sure you understand their meaning.

Step 5: Somewhere in the middle between them and you is the answer. Be open to it.

Step 6: This is not about giving up your opinion, your feelings, or your experiences. It’s about how to keep the connection going while you wade through the foliage. How you feel is important, and how they feel is important. If both of you can enter into communication from a place of open mind and open heart, then the chances for a good outcome increases.

Listening to understand is a beautiful way for both of you to keep the connection present while you sort things out.

Enjoy this morsel!

Tags: angry, breathe, compassion, Counselling, emotion, feelings, listen, open, relationship, understanding
Posted in Love, managing emotions | No Comments »

Jun
13
2017

Approval Seeking

Bev Pugh - Self Love

“No one is more or less important than anyone else.” ~Bev Pugh

When I was young and growing I had buck teeth, a flat chest, and grew overnight to be 5’5″. All of this happened at a very early age! I felt awkward and funny looking. I am sure I looked it! I began to develop ways of coping to handle my unpleasant feelings.

We all had times growing up when we experienced unpleasant feelings. Whether it was related to our bodies, relationships, expectations, or family dynamics.

I wonder what experiences you had and what your coping techniques were? We develop ways of managing our emotions. Positive habits are learned and negative habits are also adopted. The latter we want to extinguish as we get wiser.

Looking to others for validation and confirmation that we are okay can become a repetitive coping technique for dealing with our emotions. We have all experienced the feeling of wanting other people’s approval. For some of us, it can become a way of life. This we don’t want.

When we are approval seeking we are looking for a need within us to be met, and we are going outside of ourselves to have that need met. If we continue to look to others for love and affirmation, we lose the opportunity of developing a strong friendship with ourselves.

Approval seeking can be a way of dealing with a belief that we are not good enough in some way… so we give ourselves away to other people’s approval, with the hope of feeling important or loved or good enough.

When we are approval seeking several things happen:

1. We loose our personal power and give it to the other person.
2. We get out of touch with what we really think and feel.
3. We miss so many opportunities to love ourselves unconditionally because our focus is on others rather than on ourselves.
4. We can abuse ourselves because we are not honouring what we need.
5. We loose confidence.
6. We can loose our vitality.
7. We don’t develop a real friendship with ourselves.

This gives us so many reasons to start immediately noticing in our lives when we are seeking attention or approval from others, and call ourselves on it immediately.

But how do we turn all of this around?

The most important thing to remember is that we all have the innate capacity to love. As you are reading this, feel the love and warmth in your heart for someone you really love. It’s a beautiful open-hearted warm feeling. It’s a matter of turning that warm loving feeling to yourself and allowing yourself to receive it.

Somewhere in our history we began to judge ourselves for being “less than” in some way. Remember that judgment is a mental concept. It’s not the truth. We all have beautiful intrinsic value. But our judgement of ourselves keeps us from having that unconditional friendship.

Self acceptance and self love are the antidotes for approval seeking.

There are many ways to build our relationship with ourselves. The one I often relate to is feeling the love I have for family and nature, and then turning that beautiful love inwards to myself and allowing myself to receive it without blocking it with thought. Keep repeating this and let yourself soak it in.

I would really chase this theme of approval seeking. It keeps us “little” when the truth is we are really “big” and we need to let ourselves expand, rather than stay contracted in patterns that don’t serve us.

Enjoy developing a true friendship with yourself!!!

Tags: approval, Bev Pugh, coping, emotions, feeling, focus, friendship, good enough, habit, judgement, love, power, seeking, validation
Posted in awareness, holding power, Love, managing emotions, Relationships, Self Growth | 6 Comments »

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Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

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Mastery Practice Tool

Breathing in Silence

Create a quiet moment and set a little timer for 2 or 3 minutes. Then sit and focus on the sound of silence. You will hear many inside and outside noises, but your focus is on the sound of silence. Notice the “noise” outside and inside, but allow yourself to simply acknowledge them and stay with your intention of focusing on silence. Notice how the silence sounds to you. Slowly over time you can increase the time you’d like to do this.

Testimonial

My daughter, Trinity, attended her first Children’s Empowerment Workshop and she loved it! It has helped her deal with some of the real anxieties that all children go through - from the not so nice kid at school, to the imagination that runs away with her at night time, when we are getting ready for bed.

She practices her rooting and the different breathing techniques that she has learned, and has become stronger and more confident in dealing with different situations.

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About Beverley

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

Contact

Telephone:
604-925-1513
Email:
bev@beverleypugh.com
Location:
120-1451 Marine Drive
West Vancouver, BC
V7T 1B8
Canada

Disclaimer: The information presented on this site about various psychological conditions, is of a general nature and is not a substitute for an assessment by a competent therapist and/or medical professional. If you believe that you or an important person in your life is in need of an intervention please seek qualified help as soon as possible.

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