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Sep
15
2015

Bringing Harmony into Your Relationships

Part 1 – Listening to Understand: Curiosity

Curiosity word in letterpress type“Curiosity opens our minds and our hearts. Judgement closes the mind and the heart.” ~ Beverley Pugh

I am passionate about relationship counselling. I’d like to share with you what I have seen that is helpful for people who want to bring more connection and harmony into their relationships. Let’s begin by looking at how we talk to one another. In all the relationship counselling I have done over the years, I see one pattern that is very common. Many people have a tendency to make the other person wrong. I often hear that if the other person were different, everything would be ok. The general feeling is one of blame and judgement.

If you have a relationship that is important to you and you want to strengthen it, find a way of talking to that person that honours yourself, honours them, and honours the relationship. I have never seen relationships or people grow when blame and judgement are the way of communicating. There may be a temporary change or a reactive change, but not true growth. If you want consistent, healthy dynamics in your relationship, it is important to look at how you communicate with the other person.

The first tool I will share with you is curiosity. A beautiful aspect of curiosity is that it will help you sidestep blame, judgement, and finger pointing. Begin to get curious about what the other person is thinking and feeling behind their behaviour or words.

Probably one of my greatest strengths as a counsellor is that I am truly curious about why people say and do certain things. People do things for a reason, and I am curious to find out what those reasons are. I hold the stance of curiosity in a respectful way. There is no dissention. Most people I see mean well, even if they have dropped the ball repeatedly. People like to be understood from a place of respect and curiosity, rather than judgement. My guess is you would as well.

The power of curiosity is in using it to listen to understand, rather than to judge and prove that we are right. If you can listen to understand, you set the stage for respect and connection. You can still disagree with the other person, it’s just how we do it that changes.

How often do you listen to understand? Curiosity is one tool you can foster to promote an open mind in the other person. A curious mind is an open mind. If you move into judgement, your mind will close to you, and the connection is broken.

When you listen to understand with curiosity, people feel safe enough to truly share where they are at. This is a pivotal point in relationship building.

Play with curiosity over the next month. Find out where it takes you.

Enjoy September and the newness of another season. You can be part of that newness.

Tags: awareness, Bev Pugh, change, focus, heart, intention, Mastery of Health and Happiness, self-growth
Posted in awareness, change, Creating What You Want, Self Growth | 4 Comments »

Jul
06
2015

Reminiscing On Bringing Up Our Kids

ChildSilverSpoon“False entitlement means:  I don’t have to earn anything…I am owed.

This can cripple our children who then go out into the real world thinking they don’t have to work for what they want.”

~ Beverley Pugh

Over the years many parents have referred themselves to me for ideas and strategies around avoiding the trap of unintentionally encouraging entitlement issues with their kids. Today I would like to share two practical strategies that I have used as a parent which I often share in my practice. My kids will be reading this so I am sure I will get comments!

First, some words on entitlement. Entitlement thinking is a style of focus and thought where an individual feels they are more important than the next person, and they are “owed” a certain lifestyle .There is an arrogance, self-absorption and criticalness to the individual’s approach to life. There is an omnipotence in their thinking. Parents can be so well meaning, yet if not careful they feed into the arrogant expectations of their children.

Canada is a very affluent part of the world. We have lots of “toys”, and they can be expensive. Children can be “spoiled” with affluence.

Here are the two practical strategies that were used in our household during the summer, and when traveling. Many of you may be into your holiday planning or adventures now.

First, I am a big fan of camping – going into nature and having our kids experience simplicity and living close to the land with minimum toys is wonderful. No technology allowed. Guess who puts up the tents and makes the fires? Everyone. No one gets to play on their cell phone or read a book while the others are putting the campsite together.

It can be so much fun cooking over a fire, and the kids start to get really creative. I know mine did. Hiking, fishing, campfire songs and helping each other out really builds the muscles of family and community. Helping out other people who are having difficulty with their campsite also helps build a sense of all being here to support one another.

You may not like camping, and this is all too much to ask. Our contributor this month has an interesting story around that. The spirit of the idea was fostered in that family.

A second strategy involves travelling. When we traveled, we went budget. We stayed in local hotels with no air conditioning, rode local buses, and ate simply. No 5 star hotels for us. They did what I did when I was a student with very little money. This helped give our children a wide variety of coping skills, and a huge toolkit for any time in their life. It also taught them gratitude. I am so glad we did it.

Have fun playing with these ideas and finding ways they can be helpful in your family. You can develop your own way of teaching these lessons.

It is wonderful to give thought to what we are doing, and why we are doing it. Keep that wide angle lens on your camera of decision making.

Enjoy and happy July!

Bev

 

Tags: attention, Bev Pugh, change, choice, family, gratitude, happiness, inspiration, intention, life, Mastery of Health and Happiness
Posted in awareness, Balance, change, Creating What You Want, Feeling Gratitude, Gratitude, Inspirational, Parenting | 1 Comment »

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Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

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Re-parenting The bottom line is that there is only you. If you carry regrets around how you were parented when growing up, then use that amazing wisdom to take action now to be the mother or father you always wanted. Be that to yourself now. Give to yourself what you would have wanted. Old dynamics are meant to offer pearls of wisdom for us to move forward and be our own solution. They are not meant to be carried around as a stagnant regret. When we blame, we are diverting ourselves from us. You are already your own expert... now move into action.

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About Beverley

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

Contact

Telephone:
604-925-1513
Email:
bev@beverleypugh.com
Location:
120-1451 Marine Drive
West Vancouver, BC
V7T 1B8
Canada

Disclaimer: The information presented on this site about various psychological conditions, is of a general nature and is not a substitute for an assessment by a competent therapist and/or medical professional. If you believe that you or an important person in your life is in need of an intervention please seek qualified help as soon as possible.

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