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Jun
13
2017

Approval Seeking

Bev Pugh - Self Love

“No one is more or less important than anyone else.” ~Bev Pugh

When I was young and growing I had buck teeth, a flat chest, and grew overnight to be 5’5″. All of this happened at a very early age! I felt awkward and funny looking. I am sure I looked it! I began to develop ways of coping to handle my unpleasant feelings.

We all had times growing up when we experienced unpleasant feelings. Whether it was related to our bodies, relationships, expectations, or family dynamics.

I wonder what experiences you had and what your coping techniques were? We develop ways of managing our emotions. Positive habits are learned and negative habits are also adopted. The latter we want to extinguish as we get wiser.

Looking to others for validation and confirmation that we are okay can become a repetitive coping technique for dealing with our emotions. We have all experienced the feeling of wanting other people’s approval. For some of us, it can become a way of life. This we don’t want.

When we are approval seeking we are looking for a need within us to be met, and we are going outside of ourselves to have that need met. If we continue to look to others for love and affirmation, we lose the opportunity of developing a strong friendship with ourselves.

Approval seeking can be a way of dealing with a belief that we are not good enough in some way… so we give ourselves away to other people’s approval, with the hope of feeling important or loved or good enough.

When we are approval seeking several things happen:

1. We loose our personal power and give it to the other person.
2. We get out of touch with what we really think and feel.
3. We miss so many opportunities to love ourselves unconditionally because our focus is on others rather than on ourselves.
4. We can abuse ourselves because we are not honouring what we need.
5. We loose confidence.
6. We can loose our vitality.
7. We don’t develop a real friendship with ourselves.

This gives us so many reasons to start immediately noticing in our lives when we are seeking attention or approval from others, and call ourselves on it immediately.

But how do we turn all of this around?

The most important thing to remember is that we all have the innate capacity to love. As you are reading this, feel the love and warmth in your heart for someone you really love. It’s a beautiful open-hearted warm feeling. It’s a matter of turning that warm loving feeling to yourself and allowing yourself to receive it.

Somewhere in our history we began to judge ourselves for being “less than” in some way. Remember that judgment is a mental concept. It’s not the truth. We all have beautiful intrinsic value. But our judgement of ourselves keeps us from having that unconditional friendship.

Self acceptance and self love are the antidotes for approval seeking.

There are many ways to build our relationship with ourselves. The one I often relate to is feeling the love I have for family and nature, and then turning that beautiful love inwards to myself and allowing myself to receive it without blocking it with thought. Keep repeating this and let yourself soak it in.

I would really chase this theme of approval seeking. It keeps us “little” when the truth is we are really “big” and we need to let ourselves expand, rather than stay contracted in patterns that don’t serve us.

Enjoy developing a true friendship with yourself!!!

Tags: approval, Bev Pugh, coping, emotions, feeling, focus, friendship, good enough, habit, judgement, love, power, seeking, validation
Posted in awareness, holding power, Love, managing emotions, Relationships, Self Growth | 6 Comments »

Nov
10
2015

The Topic of an Argument Isn’t Always Important

couples talkingI have a husband and two kids under the age of 6. I would dread it when my husband would come home. He would get the kids all excited and they would be late for bed. I would have to mop up the mess the next day. We rarely argued, and after a while we emotionally separated from one another. Our marriage suffered.

Our learning came from understanding how when I talked to him, I spoke with authority as though I had more power than him. When he talked to me, he spoke as a troublesome child. We went on for a long time like this.

We went to counselling to sort out the bedtime issues, and concluded that it was due to the way we were treating one another. Both of us felt the other had pushed us to being so terrible. I also learned that this was my way of not taking responsibility for my contribution. That was a big one for me. We had a lot of sorting out to do and most of it was the way we treated each other rather than the particular topic at hand. It was so very helpful. I hope others will find this helpful. – Virginia

 

Tags: acceptance, choice, Counselling, emotions, family, marriage, power, responsibility
Posted in awareness, Choice, forgiveness, healing, Health and Happiness, Love, Relationships | No Comments »

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Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

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Mastery Practice Tool

Cooling Yourself Down

To be able to listen and respect our partner or children we often have to cool down, calm down and find our internal equilibrium. To start a conversation with a high temperature is asking for more heat. Use the ‘Bathroom Technique’. Before a conversation that you know will hold emotion, prepare yourself. If your partner is aware, they will prepare themselves as well. The bathroom is a great place to focus because it has a lock. You have some moments of safety! Belly breathe, then set your stance to one of curiosity and listening. Ground yourself - meaning send your energy down to the earth, not up to your mouth. Sometimes we are caught off guard, especially by our kids. I have become an expert in grounding and staying centred through breath in any moment. You can as well. Remember to send your energy down, not up or scattered! Keep building your resource kit!

Testimonial

Bev's Laughing and Breathing Belly Workshop for Children was one of the best I have attended. She has a gifted ability to gently connect with children and teach and share with them her techniques of belly breathing, rooting, mind vacations and laughter. These techniques soothe and calm them whenever they feel overwhelmed or anxious - be at school, home or before bed time. Whether you have an overwhelmed pre-schooler or a test-anxious pre-teen, Bev's approach works! I love that she gave parents the tools to model and share these fundamentals of meditation with their children. I would encourage families to take her course...your children will thank you and you will benefit from ways to keep yourself calm and allow wisdom in.

Farrah J. - Mother of 3, West Vancouver

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About Beverley

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

Contact

Telephone:
604-925-1513
Email:
bev@beverleypugh.com
Location:
120-1451 Marine Drive
West Vancouver, BC
V7T 1B8
Canada

Disclaimer: The information presented on this site about various psychological conditions, is of a general nature and is not a substitute for an assessment by a competent therapist and/or medical professional. If you believe that you or an important person in your life is in need of an intervention please seek qualified help as soon as possible.

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