“Who loves ya baby?” ~ Kojak
I grew up with the last name “Pugh”. That was a tough beginning. When I was growing up, the kids really teased me on that. They would hold their noses and pretend I was a skunk. We had a motorboat when I was growing up. We loved to water-ski. My dad got a skunk flag and put it on the boat. That sealed my fate. The teasing continued.
As I went through life, learning to love myself fully and unconditionally was my biggest wish, which then became my priority. I went through all of the stages and experiences of conditional love, with acceptance from others being the reward if I did “good”. It never occurred to me that I already had intrinsic value. I thought I had to do something, prove something, or improve something.
Most of us grow up with the message to be a “good” girl or boy, as if who we are is not good enough. Our parents meant well, but the message can be that we have to “do something” to be good; like cleaning our room, getting good grades, dressing right, being good at what we do. There can be a conditional underlay to all of this. As a child, we can feel that we have to please others in order to feel accepted. We can spend our lives trying to find or prove our worth.
We may be able to get the intellectual concept of loving ourselves, but how do we move to feeling it, to experiencing it? That’s where true growth lies. Just try one sincere moment with yourself where loving yourself matters more than anything else.
- What would that look like?
- What would that feel like?
Close your eyes for a moment and feel the love that you have for someone very special, then take a deep breath and imagine yourself receiving that same kind of love. That feeling of love comes from you to you. It’s not about “finding” love, it’s about “giving” love, and for that we start with fueling our own emotional tank for ourselves.
Maybe having the surname “Pugh” was the best thing that ever happened to me. It allowed me to find what’s good about me because it certainly wasn’t in the name!
Happy Valentine’s to us all.
Dear Bev,
I agree with what you say wholeheartedly. However, in a loving relationship between male and female there needs to be expression of love both ways. One-sided expression of love is not enough for real intimacy. Ultimately loving oneself is necessary but that is not enough for a fulfilling emotionally rich relationship. About to read the book “Hold me Tight” which I think addresses this.
Thanks Susan..yes complete love holds both. I appreciate your comments.
Hope all is well with you
Bev