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Our Dog Died

November 6th, 2016

bev-with-her-dogs

“Pets come in to this life to support us, and what we need to learn.” ~ A Dog Whisperer friend of mine

In September, I was walking my two dogs at the top of St. Mary’s in North Vancouver and our little dog, Scooter, died suddenly. He saw a dog, barked, and I pulled him back and he rolled over and died in seconds. I thought I had killed him by reigning him in too strongly. I called my family on my cellphone, and carried him back to the car. We took him to the animal emergency, but he had indeed passed. Heartbreaking. He was 7 ½ years old, and in excellent health. I know many of you have had pets who have passed. It’s the toughest part of being a pet owner.

We were all broken hearted. I experienced intense grief, and also guilt that I had done something wrong. I was assured that it was simply his “time”, and there was no known cause unless we wanted an autopsy. We decided to just let him go, and sadly move into acceptance.

Grieving is a tough part of life. No words can change the flow of life and death. It can all feel so very unfair. We all have our own ways of navigating through this.

As I was dealing with my own grief, and the grief of our family and our other dog, I became very aware that embedded in my feeling of grief were feelings of guilt. I felt that if I had done something different, he wouldn’t have died. If I had chosen a different path, not sharply reigned him in, not met that particular dog, been more aware, etc. It is not uncommon in grief for all of us to have a guilt component. I went through the whole process.

I am always taken aback at how much grief hurts. Regardless of our philosophy, we are all human, and there are feelings to feel. The guilt component really was present for me. It had happened on my watch, when I was responsible.

One of the first things I did was recognize the feelings of guilt, and then because I am committed to personal expansion, I asked myself whether this feeling of guilt was an isolated experience, or whether guilt was one of my “default” positions. Default means a coping pattern or way of thinking that has been around for a long time, and is one of the filters we use when we process events. It is important when we look at our feelings to know whether we are dealing with a pattern of thinking, or a specific feeling in the moment. If it is a pattern, then we are being controlled by a style of thinking that interferes with our ability to process the truth of all possibilities.

Knowing this both professionally and personally, I began my own inquiry as to whether the guilt component of grief that I was experiencing was just specific to the event, or whether I was dealing with an aspect of myself that has a pattern of relating to life from a place of guilt.

So I went into my, “here we go again” reflection. Often we think we have done enough to clear something, and then it pops up again. It’s part of being human.

When I sat with all of this, I realized I was dealing with a pattern. I tend to feel guilty and responsible when something “bad” happens, and then I go into self blame. I felt I should have been able to do something, or caught it before it happened. I should have been able to control the outcome. It’s the “God Complex” in us which thinks we could have stopped the flow. Many of us do this. Reflect for yourself as to whether you have guilt as one of your default patterns. It was helpful for me when I took the time to really reflect on this. I asked myself if there were other times in my life when I would feel guilty… and I looked at this theme from a place of patterns, rather than isolated vignettes of feeing guilty. I didn’t realize before this incident that guilt was one of my defaults. I began to work at addressing it and challenging it, seeing it for what it was – a way of thinking and processing, rather than a truth. It took me a week of focusing, but I was able to uproot it as much was available for me at that point. It was a good feeing to go deeper.

It is so important to know what is a pattern of thought, and what is a response to a particular moment. Both need to be faced, but the pattern of thought is more limiting to our lives and needs to be uprooted.

The exercise I describe called The Matrix was really helpful when I realized that I had done nothing wrong, and it was a matter of it being his time. I stayed focused on this exercise. I also gave myself permission to be “in grace”. That to me meant that whatever role I played, it was not a purposeful one. I granted myself grace in the moment by quietly whispering to myself “I grant myself grace”.

Because I am interested in always moving to the bigger picture, I have a lot of commitment to unhooking myself from anything that limits me. I love Bryon Katie’s work because the unhooking is related to finding what the truth is. I don’t want to just make myself feel better. That is a band aid solution that doesn’t interest me. What I am interested in is the bigger truth. Only then do we move into personal expansion.

If guilt is a strong theme for you then I encourage you to do some inner cleaning. Guilt takes us off our game and off our highest place of being. Remember there are two aspects to guilt – making ourselves wrong, and therefore “lesser”, and blaming others and having them be wrong, guilty and therefore lesser. We humans can learn a lot through processing guilt.

So now, when I think of Scooter, I smile. Still sad, but I smile. This is what I remember:

“Oh, my toy, this is the favourite part of my day.
Oh a walk, this is the favourite part of my day.
Oh a pat, this is the favourite part of my day.
Oh playing with my family, this is the favourite part of my day.
Oh food, this is the favourite part of my day.”

So I am reminded of the joy that is part of every moment.

What you focus on expands. A gift to us all.

Tags: Bev Pugh, grace, grief, guilt, joy, love, pattern, thought, truth
Posted in forgiveness, healing

 

18 Responses

  1. Alexandra Nishiki says:
    November 8, 2016 at 10:13 am

    Hi Bev I lost Mr. Peabody after 16 years…talk about heartbreaking….then my sister died less than two months later…a double whammy. The pain is still intense for both of them.God bless you and your family Beg…miss talking to you so much.😥😥😥

    Reply
    • admin says:
      November 9, 2016 at 10:04 am

      Hi Alexandra,
      You have had so much loss and change. Life ain’t easy. Miss you so much, but I have wonderful memories of our time together.
      My love to you.
      Lets keep in touch.
      Thanks for your phone message.
      XXXOOO

      Reply
  2. Alexandra Nishiki says:
    November 8, 2016 at 10:14 am

    Wrote beg instead of Beg…sorry.

    Reply
  3. Alexandra Nishiki says:
    November 8, 2016 at 10:15 am

    Instead of Bev! There..I finally got it right!

    Reply
  4. Carole Rayer says:
    November 8, 2016 at 10:21 am

    Bev I’m so sorry to hear about Scooter It was always such a delight to see him during our sessions
    Carole

    Reply
    • admin says:
      November 8, 2016 at 1:48 pm

      Thanks Carole…I was thinking about you! I am on a sabbatical and doing well. My love to you.

      Reply
  5. Joanie McMaster says:
    November 8, 2016 at 11:04 am

    Bev: so sorry about scooter- thinking of you-
    May he rest in peace-try to think of all the
    Great times you had with him. With love
    To you and a big hug- Joanie

    Reply
    • admin says:
      November 8, 2016 at 1:47 pm

      Thanks Joanie… I appreciate your support. Dogs are a member of your family! Love to you.

      Reply
  6. Bev White (Waters) says:
    November 8, 2016 at 1:35 pm

    Your Scooter gave you many gifts and led you to an important reflection at the time that must have been meant to be. When my dad was dying 15 years ago I left his hospital bed knowing that it could be the last time I would see him (it was). I ended our hug when it should have been him. I still feel guilty about it but will now try to grant myself grace.
    When we last crossed paths at Queensdale I felt you weren’t well. I didn’t know what to say. It must have been around this sad time. I’m glad the memories are now making you smile.

    Reply
    • admin says:
      November 9, 2016 at 10:03 am

      Hi Bev,
      Thanks so much for your support.
      Yes when I saw you it had just happened and I wasn’t in this world.
      Thank you and I know what you mean by ending the hug. It’s all good, and that is where my anchor is right now.
      All the bet to you and Bruce.
      Xo

      Reply
  7. Annette Duval says:
    November 8, 2016 at 2:50 pm

    So sorry to hear your dog died. Good to have those nice photos of
    your furbaby to help you remember better times. Mine became my screen saver for a long time; kind of felt like he was still here. I think of
    you often – thanks for sharing your wisdom.
    Annette (and David too)

    Reply
    • admin says:
      November 8, 2016 at 8:38 pm

      Hi Annette,
      So good to her from you.
      I love the idea of a screen saver! Thank you.
      I think of you often and smile.
      My love,
      Bev

      Reply
  8. Linda says:
    November 9, 2016 at 10:15 am

    Hello dear Bev!!
    So sorry to hear of the passing of your sweet little doggie! Know from personal experience how tough that is!
    Big hugs!
    Linda

    Reply
    • admin says:
      November 9, 2016 at 6:49 pm

      Hi Linda,
      I was just thinking of you yesterday!!!!
      Thank you so much for your support.
      Yes, Scooter is a member of our family and only dog lovers and owners know the hurt.
      I hope all is well with you.
      I’d love for a sabbatical this weekend…we start with Panama!!!!!!

      Reply
  9. Anita says:
    November 9, 2016 at 9:12 pm

    Very sad 🙁
    I’m sorry Bev.

    Reply
    • admin says:
      November 10, 2016 at 12:55 pm

      Thanks Anita. Very, very sad. When I swim, I think of you!!! xxoo

      Reply
  10. Amanda says:
    November 9, 2016 at 10:15 pm

    Sweet Bev and the family,
    I am so sorry about Cutest ever Scooter. Amy will be upset when I tell her this news, too. We have some great photos of the girls and Scooter! Love, hugs to all and special memories!

    Reply
    • admin says:
      November 10, 2016 at 12:55 pm

      Thanks Amanda. Great to hear from you. Amy emailed this am. Yes so very, very sad……..just got teeth and they have just given me okay to travel. Off to Pamama and it’s close enough that I can come back if needed! All is well. Hope all is well for you Guys….Lots of love

      Reply
 

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Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh

Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

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The Matrix

Imagine a house with many rooms. Each room has a door. Pick a door and go into that room. In that room are the feelings and experiences you chose when you chose that door. So choose the door and the room. If it doesn't feel good, pick another door and another room. I did this continually when my dog died. I went into the room of guilt, and of course that is the feeling I would experience. So I went back and chose another door, one of gratitude, or joy. When we choose this way, it doesn't mean we suppress our sadness or emotions. But to move on we must bring in choice, by consciously choosing the feelings we want to experience. Be aware of a thought that holds guilt. If you want to release this thought, then consciously chose another door in your house. We experience what we choose. I love the door analogy! Reflection and choice are powerful.

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Beverley Pugh has international experience in Individual, Marital and Family Therapist services. Areas of practice include counselling in: individual, couples, family, anxiety, addictions, grief, depression, pain management, multicultural, workplace and others.

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